Our world is dealing with a lot of uncertainty and change right now due to COVID-19. Along with this pandemic comes so much fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, and anger. For many of us in the DFW area, we have had to face the adjustment from a fast-paced life to an “in shelter” lifestyle with all sorts of emotions, thoughts, reactions, and new realities. For those who have coped by staying productive and are caring for your physical and emotional health, congrats! The other reality is that many people may not be ready to “sit with their feelings” or feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Some don’t even know what it is they are feeling. For a person with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety may have become worse by all the environmental changes we are currently facing. We all experience and express our emotions differently. I want to remind you that that’s ok, we are all different and deserve to be respected and supported as we navigate and adjust to change.
The idea that we all react differently to change and how we all thrive when we receive emotional support, led me to write this article. There are many people right now struggling with anxiety and on the other side of that many partners finding it challenging to provide emotional support during a stressful time. Here are a few tips on how to provide effective support when your partner is experiencing anxiety.
1. Don’t Try to Fix Them
It may be your first reaction, as you’re seeing your partner get lost in their thoughts, beginning to isolate, or is displaying those symptoms you’ve seen before where you think “oh no, the anxiety is back.” Unfortunately, jumping in to solve the problem can be seen as dismissive or critical without truly listening to your partner. When your partner is struggling with anxiety, they cannot be well for you. Anxiety can be debilitating and the last thing someone who is experiencing this disorder needs, is the feeling that they have failed you or that your love will be conditional based on their symptoms. Instead, remind them that you want them to feel better soon because you love them and see how difficult it is for them to be experiencing anxiety.
2. Avoid Proving to Them Why They Shouldn’t Be Afraid
Sure, anxiety is a normal body’s response to threatening situations some of which may be irrational or may not occur. For individuals struggling with anxiety, it is no longer about being afraid of something specific and weighing out the facts. Their anxiety has become too high where they are experiencing unpleasant physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms. Instead of challenging their fears, ask them specifics of what is upsetting to them. Allowing your partner to talk about their deep fear openly can often neutralize it, making it less threatening.
3. Help Calm Them Down
As often as you are able to, remind your partner that they are lovable and that their anxiety will not change that. Let them know, “you’re not alone, we’re in this together.” If your partner is experiencing a panic attack, help them interrupt the attack by offering a distraction. Helpful distractions can be as simple as breathing some fresh air outside or going for a walk. Learn more about breathing techniques specifically for anxiety, where you can practice them alongside with your partner. This will not only help alleviate your partner’s anxiety but will demonstrate your active support for your partner and your commitment to turn towards each other during difficult moments.
4. Set Realistic Expectations
During times when your partner is struggling with their anxiety, they will not be themselves. Their energy, mood, demeanor will be different. You may be longing to share happy moments instead of evening talks about anxiety. Although it can be difficult to remain patient with your partner. Remember to set realistic expectations of what your dynamic will be like during this time. It’s ok to not be experiencing relational bliss in this moment. Consider setting the expectations that you both will practice behaviors that will provide you with rest, self-care, or professional support.
5. Take Good Care of Yourself First
Seeing your partner experience such dark moments can shift all the focus on their wellbeing. You may be tempted to refrain from sharing your personal stress from your partner in an attempt to not worry them further. Unfortunately, this creates a conflicting dynamic in the relationship where- they may end up feeling like a fragile child and you may end up feeling alone. Remember the idea is to turn towards one another despite the challenges you are both facing. If your partner is unable to do this because their anxiety is interfering, practice other strategies that help you cope with your individual experience. Practice journaling or talking to someone you trust. Allow yourself to do things that you enjoy or that don’t stress you out. Dedicating time to yourself will help you cope with your individual stress as well as re-energize you for those times when your partner needs support.
It’s hard work to turn towards each other during difficult moments. My hope is that these tips will be helpful in providing you with new strategies to help someone you love and help you feel supported too! One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. John Gottman, which I use in my work with couples. I especially believe it’s perfect for those of us wanting to be helpful to someone experiencing anxiety. Dr. Gottman says, “when you’re hurting, the world stops, and I listen.”