Give Life Meaning

We’re heading into the last few months of 2020 and this year feels a whole lot different! For many years we may have relied on the upcoming months to be the season of joy and full of festivities around the holidays. Instead as this holiday season approaches, I have felt the heaviness, difficulty, and uncertainty of how the next few months will unfold. I for one can say that this is completely understandable! After all we have had to experience the many changes and stress influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic. In addition, the news constantly reminds us of the additional challenges that are taking place socially, politically, and economically.

If you are struggling to stay hopeful and positive right now, then this article is dedicated to you. I’m also struggling to stay hopeful and positive right now. It’s discouraging and frustrating to dig deep to find positivity when the next challenge or problem seems to be right around the corner. Recently, I walked into my office feeling a lack of confidence and worry on how I would share hope and positivity with my clients when everything outside of my office seemed so negative. Additionally, to be more vulnerable with you guys, that moment terrified me! For the last 5 years, Reconnecting Relationships Therapy has been my home away from home. It has been an honor to serve the Dallas Fort Worth area by working with my clients. All these years my heart has been filled with gratitude and excitement as clients have shared their stories and invited me to help them create positive changes. Although most stories that are shared with me in therapy are filled with suffering and conflict, I’ve known what my purpose has been all these years. Feeling those negative emotions as I walked into my office, forced me to pause and acknowledge my current predicament.  I’m struggling with sadness, fear, frustration, and hopelessness. Since I hadn’t been diligent in processing these negative emotions outside of work, they were now making me question my purpose.

According to the CDC, about 41% of the U.S. population reported experienced mental health issues as a result of the pandemic. Common mental health issues reported included anxiety, depression, trauma-related symptoms, and substance use disorders. If you are not experiencing one of these mental health issues, perhaps you have noticed other symptoms associated with the increase of stress and anxiety.

 So, what can we do? We may not be able to control many things about a pandemic. We definitely can’t bury our heads in the sand and pretend that life is not filled with various challenges right now. What we can do to gain some stability, is to find what is in our control. We can control how we use our time sheltering at home. We can control what decisions we make that care for our physical and mental health. We can decide to have a mindset and practice actions that remind us that our life still has meaning. We can choose to live a life that is meaningful and has purpose. The most valuable support we can have at this time is finding that our life still has meaning when we are attempting to cope, survive, and restructure during difficult times.

One of my favorite books is by Viktor Frankl, which I find always reminds me of man’s strength and resilience in the worst situations. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he describes his experience while being held at a concentration camp during World War II. He reminds us of what helps people survive desperate circumstances, “The meaning of life is to give life meaning.” In times of uncertainty, crisis, or change we have the power to choose what will give us meaning or purpose. I may not like the changes and negative emotions that the pandemic has brought but I can choose to focus on what gives my life meaning. I’m committed to continue helping couples reduce conflict and to help my clients experience joy in their relationships! 

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.

When Your Partner Is Going Through Anxiety

Our world is dealing with a lot of uncertainty and change right now due to COVID-19. Along with this pandemic comes so much fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, and anger. For many of us in the DFW area, we have had to face the adjustment from a fast-paced life to an “in shelter” lifestyle with all sorts of emotions, thoughts, reactions, and new realities. For those who have coped by staying productive and are caring for your physical and emotional health, congrats! The other reality is that many people may not be ready to “sit with their feelings” or feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Some don’t even know what it is they are feeling. For a person with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety may have become worse by all the environmental changes we are currently facing. We all experience and express our emotions differently. I want to remind you that that’s ok, we are all different and deserve to be respected and supported as we navigate and adjust to change.

The idea that we all react differently to change and how we all thrive when we receive emotional support, led me to write this article. There are many people right now struggling with anxiety and on the other side of that many partners finding it challenging to provide emotional support during a stressful time. Here are a few tips on how to provide effective support when your partner is experiencing anxiety.

1.     Don’t Try to Fix Them

It may be your first reaction, as you’re seeing your partner get lost in their thoughts, beginning to isolate, or is displaying those symptoms you’ve seen before where you think “oh no, the anxiety is back.” Unfortunately, jumping in to solve the problem can be seen as dismissive or critical without truly listening to your partner. When your partner is struggling with anxiety, they cannot be well for you. Anxiety can be debilitating and the last thing someone who is experiencing this disorder needs, is the feeling that they have failed you or that your love will be conditional based on their symptoms. Instead, remind them that you want them to feel better soon because you love them and see how difficult it is for them to be experiencing anxiety.

2.     Avoid Proving to Them Why They Shouldn’t Be Afraid

Sure, anxiety is a normal body’s response to threatening situations some of which may be irrational or may not occur. For individuals struggling with anxiety, it is no longer about being afraid of something specific and weighing out the facts. Their anxiety has become too high where they are experiencing unpleasant physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms. Instead of challenging their fears, ask them specifics of what is upsetting to them. Allowing your partner to talk about their deep fear openly can often neutralize it, making it less threatening.

3.     Help Calm Them Down

As often as you are able to, remind your partner that they are lovable and that their anxiety will not change that. Let them know, “you’re not alone, we’re in this together.” If your partner is experiencing a panic attack, help them interrupt the attack by offering a distraction. Helpful distractions can be as simple as breathing some fresh air outside or going for a walk. Learn more about breathing techniques specifically for anxiety, where you can practice them alongside with your partner. This will not only help alleviate your partner’s anxiety but will demonstrate your active support for your partner and your commitment to turn towards each other during difficult moments.

4.     Set Realistic Expectations

During times when your partner is struggling with their anxiety, they will not be themselves. Their energy, mood, demeanor will be different. You may be longing to share happy moments instead of evening talks about anxiety. Although it can be difficult to remain patient with your partner. Remember to set realistic expectations of what your dynamic will be like during this time. It’s ok to not be experiencing relational bliss in this moment. Consider setting the expectations that you both will practice behaviors that will provide you with rest, self-care, or professional support.

5.     Take Good Care of Yourself First

Seeing your partner experience such dark moments can shift all the focus on their wellbeing. You may be tempted to refrain from sharing your personal stress from your partner in an attempt to not worry them further. Unfortunately, this creates a conflicting dynamic in the relationship where- they may end up feeling like a fragile child and you may end up feeling alone. Remember the idea is to turn towards one another despite the challenges you are both facing. If your partner is unable to do this because their anxiety is interfering, practice other strategies that help you cope with your individual experience. Practice journaling or talking to someone you trust. Allow yourself to do things that you enjoy or that don’t stress you out. Dedicating time to yourself will help you cope with your individual stress as well as re-energize you for those times when your partner needs support.

It’s hard work to turn towards each other during difficult moments. My hope is that these tips will be helpful in providing you with new strategies to help someone you love and help you feel supported too! One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. John Gottman, which I use in my work with couples. I especially believe it’s perfect for those of us wanting to be helpful to someone experiencing anxiety. Dr. Gottman says, “when you’re hurting, the world stops, and I listen.”