Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person.  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

• Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

• They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

• It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

• They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

• They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Emotional Attunement

What is emotional attunement?

Emotional attunement is the ability to know your partner on a deep emotional level, and a vital ingredient for successful relationships. It is being able to hear, see, feel, interpret, and respond to your partner, using both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Emotional attunement is often most noticeable when absent in relationships. It hurts when you take a risk to be vulnerable with your partner and are not met at the place of intimacy you had hoped for. This often leaves couples feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Genuine efforts to be recognized by your partner can start to feel hopeless. Eventually, you may even learn to stop expecting empathy and support from your partner altogether.

The lack of emotional attunement is felt profoundly when couples argue. One person wants an issue or feeling to be acknowledged, while the other person feels blamed, often ensuing in defensiveness. At this point, you both fall out of sync with each other and miss the necessary cues to remain connected during times of conflict—pushing you and your partner even further apart from each other.

How emotional attunement can help your relationship

Emotional attunement allows you to better understand your partner through body language and by assessing what is happening around them. Being able to tune into each other in this way lets you know how and when to engage with your partner. Practicing attunement supports you and your partner’s ability to anticipate each other’s needs, promoting a sense of trust, intimacy, and safety.

These skills are the foundation for which effective communication, conflict management, and intimate connection all grow. Without this foundation, many learned communication skills will fall short of success. Being emotionally attuned in your relationship fosters understanding and feelings of being known by your partner.

Practicing emotional attunement

Understand yourself. Before you can attune to others, you must first attune to yourself. This means reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. What are your triggers, and why are they triggering? How do your past experiences influence your expectations, hopes, and fears for the future? What do these things look like in terms of your relationship with your partner? Gaining insight through self-reflection not only allows you to understand your own needs, but also helps you communicate your needs to your partner.

Get curious. Attuned couples are intimately familiar with one another’s worlds—the important things about your life and the experiences that have shaped you today. Couples who are emotionally attuned make space in their minds for their relationship and remember the major events in each other’s histories. Emotionally attuned couples know each other’s aspirations in life, fears, and dreams.

Update your knowledge. Attuned couples also continue to update their information about each other as their partner’s feelings and thoughts change over time. Many people think they know everything there is to know about their partner, especially if you have been with your partner for quite some time. Early relationships are filled with novelty, curiosity, and excitement to better know the person sitting in front of you. Over time, it’s easy to make the mistake of thinking your partner has nothing new to share—that the novelty is gone. This assumption is only true if people never change! Yet, people are continuously changing through experience, reflection, and interactions. Even the person you think you know so well is still somewhat a mystery.

Try answering some of these questions about your partner and see how well you know your partner’s internal world.

• Name one of your partner’s current hobbies.

• What is your partner currently most stressed about?

• What is your partner’s biggest fear?

• How does your partner like to be comforted and soothed?

• What is your partner’s ideal job?

• Who was your partner’s childhood best friend?

• What turns your partner on sexually?

• What was your partner’s worst childhood experience?

Going over these questions together can help you both develop more details for each other’s internal worlds. However, getting to know each other intimately is an ongoing process. Your knowledge about your partner should be updated regularly by spending time together catching up on what has been happening in each other’s day-to-day.

Couples who share detailed understandings of each other are often better prepared to navigate stress and conflict. When you and your partner are aware of each other’s feelings, thoughts, and motivations, you are both less likely to be thrown off by the changes of life. The more you know about each other, the stronger your connection will feel, which better prepares your relationship to handle future challenges.

If you are interested in exploring emotional attunement in your relationship further, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

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Amy’s Bio

Finding the Healing Part in Psychotherapy

One of the things I have been interested in since I joined this field is working with people who are struggling with medical complications. A medical complication can be sudden, diagnosed in a routine checkup with your physician. Some of the common diagnoses in such routine checkups are diabetes, thyroid issues, hypertension, respiratory disease, heart disease, and high cholesterol. Don’t feel frightened if you didn’t see your medical condition listed. There is a place for all in therapy! One question I get a lot when I tell someone I specialize working with individuals with medical complications is, “How do you cure a medical issue with psychotherapy?” I do not advertise psychotherapy being a cure for medical issues. I do, however, look at how we can verbalize the anxiety and stress that comes with these complications. For example, did you know it is common for people with diabetes to suffer from nightmares if untreated? This is one area psychotherapy can help. I help the individual look at the underlying emotional state of bearing health issues.

Medical complications can take a toll in many areas of your life. One important area is your mental health. If your mental health has declined, then other areas take a toll as well: job performance, family conflicts, sleep patterns, alcohol consumption, and much more. In therapy, together with the client, we look closely at what areas of your life are being harmed. We look at creative ways you can manage whatever is happening biologically. Internally we carry these different kinds of emotions that happen so fast we don’t realize their influence on the body. If we can look at these internal drives then perhaps we can manage symptoms of hypertension, weight issues, high blood sugar, or even diet and medication management. For instance, it is hard to regulate sugar intake when a person is in a repeated pattern of alcohol use or sleep issues. We crave more sugar under these circumstances.

It is common to feel vulnerable when addressing these issues in therapy. It is uncomfortable for most because verbalizing this in therapy comes with a kind of fear of not being in control. No one wants to feel they are not in control. You will find support in therapy in managing stress, anxiety, and other emotional issues related to health conditions. If this resonates with you, do not feel shame for asking for help.

Self Harm Among Teens and Young Adults

Non-suicidal self-injury or self-harm has been around for a long time. “Cutting” was a term commonly used before. This term is no longer used as self-harm and is not just about cutting yourself. The topic is incorporated into books, tv shows, movies and songs (I’m sure). A search on Google or social media can bring up a variety of information on this topic. There is information out there on how to engage in a variety of methods, support for individuals and families, dangers of the behavior and treatment options. This post is going to define non-suicidal self-injury, common misconceptions, and treatment options.

According to the International Society for the Study of Self Injury (ISSS), non-suicidal self-injury (aka self-injury) is the “deliberate destruction of body tissue without suicidal intent and for purposes not socially sanctioned.”  Socially sanctioned refers to piercing or tattoos.

Examples of self- harm include:  intentional carving of words or symbols, cutting the skin, burning, friction burning, hitting or biting self, pulling out hair, headbanging, multiple tattoos or piercings, embedding objects into the skin, or breaking bones.

Working with individuals who engage in self-harm and having to inform parents or caregivers about self-harm has confirmed some common misconceptions about self-harm. From my own practice and research, here are some of the most common misconceptions:

• Only adolescent females engage in NSSI. FALSE: Females and males engage in self-harm. Methods may vary. While it is often considered an “adolescent issue,” it can start in childhood or adulthood. While it may start in adolescence, it does continue into adulthood.

• Only people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder engage in self-harm. FALSE: People who have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder may self-harm. Many individuals who do not meet criteria for this diagnosis also engage in self-harm.

• A person has been abused. FALSE: Just like the personality disorder myth, individuals who self-harm may or may not have been abused.

• There’s no help available. FALSE: There is help available. Books, trainings, support groups for individuals and caregivers and individual therapy. There are trainings for individuals, families and professionals.

• It is a failed suicide attempt. FALSE: This is a common misconception. Many of the clients I have worked with have no intention to commit suicide. Medical attention may be needed if in cases of NSSI. 

• A person is seeking attention. FALSE: I have heard this from caregivers/parents when they learn their adolescent is engaging in self harm behaviors. The way I talk to parents about it is the adolescent is crying out for help. Treatment is about replacing this unhealthy coping skill with a healthy coping skill.

• A person could stop if they wanted to. FALSE: As with any behavior associated with mental health, treatment is recommended for many individuals who self-harm.

Help is available. Individual or group therapy is recommended. Family therapy is also recommended. Involving parents or caregivers in treatment is recommended.

Involving caregivers in treatment is key. Parents may feel shocked, confused, sad, isolated or guilty. Parents may experience secondary stress as NSSI is often not visible, can be chronic and, as mentioned above, parents may feel isolated as they fear how others will react. Just like with any mental health issue, educating parents and families about NSSI is key. Having parents involved in treatment is important too especially around communication. Finding support for parents helps too.

Here are some resources:

• Healing Self- Injury – J. Whitlock, Ph.D. & Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, Ph.D.

• Self-Injury Recovery & Resources: Great resources for individuals, caregivers, and therapist

  Melissa K. Zawisza, LCSW-S owns Reilly Counseling PLLC. She opened her practice in August 2020 and serves teens and adults. Her specialty areas include anxiety, self-harm, grief, and trauma. At this time, all services are conducted online. Prior to private practice, Melissa worked in a variety of settings including schools, and agencies and spent thirteen years at a hospital-based clinic. Melissa is also a board-approved supervisor.

Goodbye 2020

As we get ready to ring in the New Year, we begin to look back on this crazy year of the COVID pandemic.  I, like the rest, have begun to look back on my year and have noticed I had to change my perspective to see that some pretty spectacular things have happened!  I remember being touched when I read a quote that stated 2020 was the year we stopped taking things for granted and instead began seeing the things we are grateful for.  Let’s take a look at my new perspective on what I can be grateful for. 

•  For many years now my life has been routinely chaotic with working two jobs.  I never felt as though I got to spend much time at home.  2020 was the year I can no longer say that!

•  I was, and still am, fortunate to still have the ability to work two jobs as technology has been very helpful in this department.

• I was able to learn a whole new way of connecting with people through the telephone and video chat (although it’s not the same as human interaction!).

• I learned there is a plethora of fun internet activities to keep children entertained and found new ways to share books with children. 

• I am very grateful for my healthy immune system as I have not tested positive for COVID (so keep your mask on and social distance!!!).

• I am grateful for my loved ones as they too have been able to stay healthy.  I also recognized that I may have taken our time together for granted as I was not able to enjoy spending the holidays with every family member!

• Lastly, I am very grateful for the opportunity to begin sharing my life with my partner as we start to build our future together!

There are so many other things to be grateful for as well!  As we go in to 2021, I work on not setting my expectations too high as it may be somewhat of a repeat of 2020.  However, I will go into the New Year with a new perspective and will continue counting the things I am grateful for and open my eyes to no longer take things for granted!  As you review your year of 2020, I challenge you to change your perspective and find things you are grateful for! 

Give Life Meaning

We’re heading into the last few months of 2020 and this year feels a whole lot different! For many years we may have relied on the upcoming months to be the season of joy and full of festivities around the holidays. Instead as this holiday season approaches, I have felt the heaviness, difficulty, and uncertainty of how the next few months will unfold. I for one can say that this is completely understandable! After all we have had to experience the many changes and stress influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic. In addition, the news constantly reminds us of the additional challenges that are taking place socially, politically, and economically.

If you are struggling to stay hopeful and positive right now, then this article is dedicated to you. I’m also struggling to stay hopeful and positive right now. It’s discouraging and frustrating to dig deep to find positivity when the next challenge or problem seems to be right around the corner. Recently, I walked into my office feeling a lack of confidence and worry on how I would share hope and positivity with my clients when everything outside of my office seemed so negative. Additionally, to be more vulnerable with you guys, that moment terrified me! For the last 5 years, Reconnecting Relationships Therapy has been my home away from home. It has been an honor to serve the Dallas Fort Worth area by working with my clients. All these years my heart has been filled with gratitude and excitement as clients have shared their stories and invited me to help them create positive changes. Although most stories that are shared with me in therapy are filled with suffering and conflict, I’ve known what my purpose has been all these years. Feeling those negative emotions as I walked into my office, forced me to pause and acknowledge my current predicament.  I’m struggling with sadness, fear, frustration, and hopelessness. Since I hadn’t been diligent in processing these negative emotions outside of work, they were now making me question my purpose.

According to the CDC, about 41% of the U.S. population reported experienced mental health issues as a result of the pandemic. Common mental health issues reported included anxiety, depression, trauma-related symptoms, and substance use disorders. If you are not experiencing one of these mental health issues, perhaps you have noticed other symptoms associated with the increase of stress and anxiety.

 So, what can we do? We may not be able to control many things about a pandemic. We definitely can’t bury our heads in the sand and pretend that life is not filled with various challenges right now. What we can do to gain some stability, is to find what is in our control. We can control how we use our time sheltering at home. We can control what decisions we make that care for our physical and mental health. We can decide to have a mindset and practice actions that remind us that our life still has meaning. We can choose to live a life that is meaningful and has purpose. The most valuable support we can have at this time is finding that our life still has meaning when we are attempting to cope, survive, and restructure during difficult times.

One of my favorite books is by Viktor Frankl, which I find always reminds me of man’s strength and resilience in the worst situations. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he describes his experience while being held at a concentration camp during World War II. He reminds us of what helps people survive desperate circumstances, “The meaning of life is to give life meaning.” In times of uncertainty, crisis, or change we have the power to choose what will give us meaning or purpose. I may not like the changes and negative emotions that the pandemic has brought but I can choose to focus on what gives my life meaning. I’m committed to continue helping couples reduce conflict and to help my clients experience joy in their relationships! 

What Are You Grieving?

One of the things I value the most is learning about different cultures. It helps me challenge my current beliefs, it pushes me to try new things, and by doing that I get a boost of energy! Although I find new ways to do this at home, I’ve found nothing is like visiting a new country and immersing myself in a culture different than my own. Traveling to different countries around the world has become, not only a privilege, but an essential way to re-energize and reconnect with myself away from work. Starting 2020 had been emotionally draining as I balanced a packed work schedule and various home and life responsibilities. Despite the challenges, I knew that I would soon get to enjoy a much-needed, two-week trip to Japan with my husband and friends. The long work week and stressors of life seemed trivial as I reminded myself that soon I would be experiencing a culture that was more fascinating and different than I had ever experienced before, and would teach me so much. We had been budgeting carefully to pay for our trip. The flights had been purchased. Itinerary and transportation plans to different cities in Japan were ready. Hotels reserved. My list of new ingredients and meals I planned to experience for the first time was ready. Experiences unique to Japanese culture which I hoped to learn from had been planned. Additionally, I had notified all my clients at Reconnecting Relationships Therapy that I would be out of the country and had adjusted their treatment plans in order for them to continue their progress while I was away.

           Two weeks before our flight was set to leave for Japan, we were shocked at having to contemplate the need to cancel our trip. By then, the U.S. was preparing for the novel COVID-19 to arrive as we had been observing from afar the impact it was having on other parts of the world. It took days to reach the difficult decision that making a trip for pleasure did not outweigh the risks of being stranded in a foreign country, unable to come home, and possibly risk the health of others when coming home in the middle of a pandemic. Even as we prepared to cancel our flights, my mind seemed to deny the fact that I could lose something I had put so much work into. The loss I felt was confusing, filled with deep sadness, frustration, and hopelessness. A loss of predictability as I had planned and visited other countries with little, to no interruption. But what I felt the most uncomfortable about was my feeling of guilt. I felt so guilty for feeling these emotions and saying them out loud was something I wanted to avoid. After all, many people had already died from the coronavirus infection and more cases were being confirmed daily. Guilt, that while I was feeling sad and frustrated, our country and the DFW area were soon going to have to face the unknowns of COVID-19.

           As rapid changes became the new reality amid a pandemic, I was forced to do what loss forces us all to do. Grieve. For the first time in my life I experienced a sense of community grieving. Grieving the loss of certainty and predictability which are things that we don’t normally grieve. Grieving our routines which we were accustomed to living. Grieving the physical interactions with family, friends, coworkers, and my clients. I had to reflect on what was truly meaningful so that I could understand the new reality created by the loss I was feeling.

           With grieving, I usually tell my clients it’s not linear. It comes in waves instead of predictable stages. I have worked with many clients grieving the loss of a loved one or a relationship. Unfortunately, I had less practice grieving things, experiences, or unexpected events. I began to consider the many people that were experiencing similar losses and as a result, a confusing grieving process. All around me, were others who had to cancel trips, weddings, graduation ceremonies, and other milestones. Others had lost their jobs, expected income, or their ability to experience physical companionship due to social distancing. Each individual will experience loss and grief in their own way.

While I don’t have a formula to determine what facet of an event or item will cause one to grieve, what I can share with you, is that our brain is a predictive organ. When we’re deeply bonded to someone, we develop an attachment that becomes part of our identity. Our brain begins to predict interactions with that person even if they are not physically with us. For those of us who have lost a loved one, you can relate to having moments where you long to share something you just saw or experienced with the person you lost. Those moments where we are reminded by the loss are sad and painful. These difficult moments are where our minds are restructuring the meaning to the loss, without completely erasing the attachment. It’s a difficult but crucial step of grieving. When we feel pain and sadness from our losses, our mind is signaling that we need to slow down because we are grieving. The same process can apply to losing other aspects intertwined with our identity, like experiences or milestones. In my case, losing the opportunity to travel right now challenges how I see myself when I think of my individual growth. I relied on traveling as a way to push beyond my comfort zone, as well as, practice self-care. Through grieving, I can now explore how to adjust my growth when I can’t travel. We all need time to readjust to what it’s like to no longer have our loved one, our plans, or whatever we may have lost that was dear to us.

Grief is a difficult emotion to often admit, especially in our culture. We strive to be happy, positive, and resilient. We often disregard the benefits that emotions associated to grief can have. Leaning into our sadness of what we lost, can help us focus our attention away from the world around us, so that we can begin the mental reset needed to find adaptation. Take a moment to acknowledge what you are feeling. You may have one feeling that stands out or many. Then name what you lost, if right now your losses have piled up, it may be hard to name them all. Name all the feelings you can, and know it can take time to articulate all that you lost. Identifying needs to an abstract loss can be challenging, but only by identifying them can we really move on to think of what’s ahead. Once you can identify what you lost, then you can begin to explore your unique needs to feel whole again. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit that feeling whole again, does not replace what was lost in the same way. But there is the possibility that it could be better or that you can now identify what you really need.

With the many events taken place this year, our losses may have accumulated and left us confused on where to start or how to deal with them. It is my hope for you that you will allow time for the sadness and loss to run through, so that you are able to identify and face what you lost, and as a result find the strategies that will help you adapt. It may take time and other’s may not understand it, but that’s ok. You lost something that was a part of your identity and for that you are grieving it. You’re not a bag of emotions. You’re resilient.

When Your Partner Is Going Through Anxiety

Our world is dealing with a lot of uncertainty and change right now due to COVID-19. Along with this pandemic comes so much fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, and anger. For many of us in the DFW area, we have had to face the adjustment from a fast-paced life to an “in shelter” lifestyle with all sorts of emotions, thoughts, reactions, and new realities. For those who have coped by staying productive and are caring for your physical and emotional health, congrats! The other reality is that many people may not be ready to “sit with their feelings” or feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Some don’t even know what it is they are feeling. For a person with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety may have become worse by all the environmental changes we are currently facing. We all experience and express our emotions differently. I want to remind you that that’s ok, we are all different and deserve to be respected and supported as we navigate and adjust to change.

The idea that we all react differently to change and how we all thrive when we receive emotional support, led me to write this article. There are many people right now struggling with anxiety and on the other side of that many partners finding it challenging to provide emotional support during a stressful time. Here are a few tips on how to provide effective support when your partner is experiencing anxiety.

1.     Don’t Try to Fix Them

It may be your first reaction, as you’re seeing your partner get lost in their thoughts, beginning to isolate, or is displaying those symptoms you’ve seen before where you think “oh no, the anxiety is back.” Unfortunately, jumping in to solve the problem can be seen as dismissive or critical without truly listening to your partner. When your partner is struggling with anxiety, they cannot be well for you. Anxiety can be debilitating and the last thing someone who is experiencing this disorder needs, is the feeling that they have failed you or that your love will be conditional based on their symptoms. Instead, remind them that you want them to feel better soon because you love them and see how difficult it is for them to be experiencing anxiety.

2.     Avoid Proving to Them Why They Shouldn’t Be Afraid

Sure, anxiety is a normal body’s response to threatening situations some of which may be irrational or may not occur. For individuals struggling with anxiety, it is no longer about being afraid of something specific and weighing out the facts. Their anxiety has become too high where they are experiencing unpleasant physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms. Instead of challenging their fears, ask them specifics of what is upsetting to them. Allowing your partner to talk about their deep fear openly can often neutralize it, making it less threatening.

3.     Help Calm Them Down

As often as you are able to, remind your partner that they are lovable and that their anxiety will not change that. Let them know, “you’re not alone, we’re in this together.” If your partner is experiencing a panic attack, help them interrupt the attack by offering a distraction. Helpful distractions can be as simple as breathing some fresh air outside or going for a walk. Learn more about breathing techniques specifically for anxiety, where you can practice them alongside with your partner. This will not only help alleviate your partner’s anxiety but will demonstrate your active support for your partner and your commitment to turn towards each other during difficult moments.

4.     Set Realistic Expectations

During times when your partner is struggling with their anxiety, they will not be themselves. Their energy, mood, demeanor will be different. You may be longing to share happy moments instead of evening talks about anxiety. Although it can be difficult to remain patient with your partner. Remember to set realistic expectations of what your dynamic will be like during this time. It’s ok to not be experiencing relational bliss in this moment. Consider setting the expectations that you both will practice behaviors that will provide you with rest, self-care, or professional support.

5.     Take Good Care of Yourself First

Seeing your partner experience such dark moments can shift all the focus on their wellbeing. You may be tempted to refrain from sharing your personal stress from your partner in an attempt to not worry them further. Unfortunately, this creates a conflicting dynamic in the relationship where- they may end up feeling like a fragile child and you may end up feeling alone. Remember the idea is to turn towards one another despite the challenges you are both facing. If your partner is unable to do this because their anxiety is interfering, practice other strategies that help you cope with your individual experience. Practice journaling or talking to someone you trust. Allow yourself to do things that you enjoy or that don’t stress you out. Dedicating time to yourself will help you cope with your individual stress as well as re-energize you for those times when your partner needs support.

It’s hard work to turn towards each other during difficult moments. My hope is that these tips will be helpful in providing you with new strategies to help someone you love and help you feel supported too! One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. John Gottman, which I use in my work with couples. I especially believe it’s perfect for those of us wanting to be helpful to someone experiencing anxiety. Dr. Gottman says, “when you’re hurting, the world stops, and I listen.” 

Where Do You Wish To Meet?

Illustration by Sophia Schultz

Abraham Maslow was a humanistic psychologist who developed a theory describing what motivates individuals and how they move along the lines of getting their needs met.  His concept, Hierarchy of Needs, is most often depicted in a pyramid to delineate each level.  The bottom level, the foundation, represents the most basic necessities for human survival while the highest level demonstrates transcendent desires.  As a person reaches their goals in one level, he or she is able to move on to the next level.  If an individual has yet to satisfy the needs for food and shelter one can assume this person is less likely motivated to fulfill their needs in other levels.

The 5 Stage Model includes:   

  1.    Physiological Needs -  food, shelter, water, clothing

2.    Safety & Security -  health, employment, stability, security of  body

3.    Love & Belonging -  friendships, family, intimacy, connection

4.    Self-Esteem -  confidence, respect from others, achievement

5.    Self-Actualization -  spontaneity, creativity, lack of prejudice, realizing personal potential

While the hierarchy is depicted in an upward trajectory, it is not uncommon for people to fluctuate from one level to the next.  When changes arise such as divorce, death, breakups, or loss of employment individuals can find themselves moving back and forth through the hierarchy.  And when these needs to be loved, to feel safe, to feel confident become threatened, it is human nature to make attempts, even if ineffective, to gain or maintain them.  

In our practice, clients come to us from all different levels.  We do our best to listen to where our clients have been and discover where they wish to be.  Whichever level you find yourself, we will meet you there.   

Forming New Habits

With the new year merely hours away, many people are considering making healthy changes for 2016.  Some choose to take up a cooking class or go skydiving, but on average most of us focus on making a health conscious effort to work out, stay away from processed foods, or quit smoking.  The latter is most difficult for us to conquer since these types of behaviors have become part of our lives for too long.  When attempting to make changes there are two things to consider in helping you reach your goals:  establishing a support system & changing your environment.

First of all, what is a habit?  It can be defined as something that we do often enough that eventually becomes automatic.  We make an association between the behavior and the goal.  “When I do this, I get that.” A pattern begins to emerge and in turn becomes a habit.  So, we eat a bag of cheesy popcorn after a long day at work.  It provides us with a sense of relief.  The next time we suffer another grueling day, we are more likely to turn to that bag of gold to cheer us up.  After a while, we learn that eating cheese spray popcorn makes us feel better.

Now you want to break the bad habit.  

1. Support System -  Get a buddy system set up.  A research study reported that couples who supported each other and committed to making the same changes together were more successful than those who did not.  Holding each other accountable can be helpful in staying on track.  Also, it can be nice to know that you can relate to each other and have a good understanding of the level of difficulty you may each be experiencing.  Having someone join you while working at a new behavior can also make it more fun than going at it alone.  Set small, realistic goals, and celebrate as you accomplish each one.  Ask your partner or find a friend who is looking to make similar changes to increase your success rate!

2. Change in Environment – When dealing with an old habit, chances are you are stuck in a routine or pattern.  In order to tackle this problem, it may be necessary to change your surroundings.  Cues exist in a pattern to elicit the old habit.  These cues serve as reminders to perform the habit.  You can trick and alter the cue by changing your environment.  Research has demonstrated that moving to another city or going on vacation are great ways to form new habits since the same environmental cues no longer exist, so pay attention to when and how the habit occurs.  For instance, if you find that you need comforting after a hard day at work, put that cheesy popcorn on the highest pantry shelf!  Place more desirable products at front and center.  Basically, make it easier to do the things you want to do and harder to do the things you no longer wish to continue.

Changing a bad habit into a good habit will take time and patience.  Studies have shown that new habits can take anywhere from 15 to 254 days to be fully established.  The key is to repeat new behaviors until they become as stable as the ones prior to them.  At the same time, allow for slip ups.  Habits are not easy to break and you may find yourself guilt-ridden over the cheese spray coma you are experiencing.  It is okay.  Give yourself a break.  You will start again the next day.  

Good luck!  I wish you the best! And have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!