Two Sides to Couples Conflict

As a therapist, I am aware of the many coping strategies, communication tools, and de-escalation tactics that I have at my disposal to help me through times of conflict with my partner.  However, I haven’t always known how to deal with relationship problems.  And even with all my training and my years of practicing these tools, I can easily fall prey to unconstructive old habits. 

During a particular disagreement with my husband, I knew very well just what to say to really annoy him.  Most of the time, I acknowledge and am aware of what hurtful, punch-to-the gut thing I can say to really get to him.  But I also understand I will probably not get the response I want so I refrain from saying that annoying thing. 

However, this time I plowed through and said “F” it I’m going for it!  My feelings got the best of me. 

Being the sweet husband he is, I watched as he took in a deep breath and instead of one-upping me, he responded with acknowledgment of my hurt.  After further discussing our issue, I confessed to him that I was fully aware of my intent to hurt him back. I apologized.

How did I get away with this bad behavior?  John Gottman, couples researcher and clinician, proposes a 5:1 ratio is key in maintaining homeostasis in a relationship.  For every one negative interaction, we need five positive interactions to keep us feeling balanced in a relationship.  More often than not, we need to be good to each other.  This allowed me to have my moment, not a fabulous moment, but nonetheless, a human one.    

The other thing I did was acknowledge my behavior and apologize shortly after I was able to cool down.  Making repairs is so important!  And even though I was the hurt partner, I still played a role in how our conflict would emerge and come to a resolution.  He made his repair and so did I. 

You can protect your relationship by making sure you’re engaging with your partner in positive ways most of the time. We can never get away from conflict altogether, but we can make decisions to be more cognizant in the ways we contribute to conflict and being proactive to maintain a trusting and loving relationship.

Couples Communication: The Antidotes to The Four Horsemen

As promised, I am here to share the Antidotes to John Gottman’s Four Horsemen!  My colleague, Zully Schultz, mentioned last month in her article Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen , “…it’s normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship…” and “Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.” 

Miscommunication can lead to conflict within a relationship which is extremely normal and practically unavoidable.  Conflict can even, at times, promote growth and understanding between couples.  To effectively manage conflict, the couple must first identify the Four Horsemen that is occurring in their communication, then they must counteract with the antidote. 

The Four Horsemen/The Antidote

Criticism/Gentle Start-Up

As Zully stated in her article, couples need to differentiate between a criticism vs a compliant.  As the criticism attacks the person, the complaint addresses the specific behavior.  “I” statements are the best way to initiate a gentle start-up.  An “I” statement should refrain from having the word “you” as that can put the partner in a one-down position.  Instead, you should express your feelings while focusing on the specific behavior.  For example, “I feel unheard when promises are not fulfilled.  I would really appreciate more follow through.”  This can help generate more empathy from the partner.

Defensiveness/Taking Responsibility

This antidote is the result of two of The Four Horsemen.  Defensiveness is typically a direct result of criticism.  When one becomes defensive, they redirect the finger they feel is pointing at them by turning it back around onto their partner.  This can then become an unhealthy cycle of defensiveness and criticism unless someone initiates change by taking responsibility for at least some of the problem. 

Contempt/Build Culture of Appreciation

Contempt brings nothing good to a relationship and should be avoided at all costs.  The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect towards each other, as well as the relationship.  As a couple’s therapist, I strongly encourage all of my couples to have a nightly check-in with one another where they take 10-15 minutes a night to express things that they love and appreciate about their partner and how their partner was able to fill their love tank that day.  John Gottman also has a 5:1 ratio where there should be at least 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

Stonewalling/Physiological Self-Soothing

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and the emotions you are feeling are so overwhelming that you can no longer say or do anything?  Do you ever find your heart rate increasing during those arguments?  Timeouts are a great way to promote self-soothing while in the middle of an argument.  The timeout should last a minimum of twenty minutes as that is how long it takes our bodies to physically calm down.  During these timeouts it does not matter really what you are doing, as long as you are not focusing on the argument and what was said or what you should have replied with.  Once calm, return to the discussion in order to find the needed resolutions while focusing on implementing the other antidotes.

To truly have a happy and healthy relationship each partner needs to be committed to paying attention to the horsemen that may be creeping into their relationship and kick them out with these proven antidotes.  If you and your partner find yourselves struggling to implement these tools into your daily lives, feel free to contact us!

Jenifer Costigan guest speaker on "Love, Sex and Religion"

We are proud to announce one of our therapists, Jenifer Costigan was invited as a guest speaker and appeared on the "Love, Sex, and Religion" podcast.

To listen click on the link below: 

 https://soundcloud.com/lo…/sex-therapy-feat-jenifer-costigan

Pre-engagement vs Pre-marital counseling? What's the difference as long as you go?

At first the comparison of Pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling can seem so similar and unimportant. Yet considering the differences, pre-engagement counseling may provide many dating couples additional benefits to the relationship and confidence in making a lifelong commitment!

Here are a few IMPORTANT factors to consider in regards to pre-engagement counseling:

      Engagement/ Pressure: Proposals, shinny new engagement ring, and the excitement of telling everyone the great news, can really compromise the objectivity of the relationship. The priority of working on the relationship may easily turn into planning the wedding day instead of working on and finding a resolution to the conflict that may be remaining within the relationship.

        Time Constraint: Couples seeking pre-engagement counseling do not have the same time crunch as couples that have already set the wedding date. Pre-engagement counseling can allow dating couples to openly share fears and hopes in sessions without worrying about how emotions will interfere with the couple’s timeline. In some cases, couples may need more than 8 sessions to resolve or practice new skills they are learning. Rather than couples that have a short engagement, which may not have sufficient time or desire to address issues prior to the wedding.

      Confidence in your Decision: Attending pre-engagement counseling can provide both the couple and each individual the time and place to explore such an important decision with a trained professional. A couple can also benefit from expressing their thoughts and feelings to a professional who is trained in marriage and relational issues and will remain an unbiased third party. It is important to consider the motivation and readiness each person has to make such a commitment. By taking the time to explore your relationship in counseling, individuals can discuss expectations for the marriage and find a compromise if necessary prior to making the commitment.

So whether you are currently in a serious relationship or questioning if you and your partner are ready for marriage, please consider pre-engagement counseling! Pre-engagement counseling may seem as an unromantic plan or unnecessary, yet with staggering divorce rates this is just another way to invest in your relationship!

Sex Therapy FAQs

Typically, when people ask me what I do I tell them that I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist-Associate and that I am working towards specializing in Sex Therapy.  Once that cat gets out of the bag, in come the questions!  I have found that there are a lot of misunderstandings as to what it really means to be a sex therapist and what exactly happens during a session focused on sex therapy.   So, I have compiled a list of the most common questions that people tend to ask.  

Q: “Does a sex therapist have sex with their clients?”                                                       A: NO!!! Definitely not!  Sex therapy is just like any other type of psychotherapy; all you do is talk. 

Q: “Does the couple have sex with each other in front of the sex therapist?”                     A:  Again, NO!!! There is no touching of any kind, nor are any sexual acts played out. However, the therapist may encourage the couple to go home and try an exercise that was discussed during the session, if they are comfortable with it.

Q: “Do you have to be in a relationship to go to sex therapy?”                                         A: Not at all!  Although sex therapists typically see couples, there are times when an individual is dealing with sexual problems of their own.  

Q: “What type of issues does a sex therapist help with?”                                                 A: Sex therapists generally help discover different emotional issues that are creating sexual problems between the couple. Sex therapists also help people who are dealing with issues such as: lack of desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, difficulty getting and/or maintaining an erection, premature ejaculation, pain during penetrative sex, unwanted fetishes, and sexual addiction.  

Q: “Does a sex therapist ever get embarrassed or uncomfortable during session?”             A: Due to the sex therapist’s extensive knowledge in the field, nothing you say will embarrass the therapist, nor should it embarrass you!  Just like any other therapist, your issues will be treated with compassion and understanding.  (And don’t worry, your sex therapist has probably already heard of anything and everything there is to do with sex at least once!)

Q: “Is my relationship ruined if my partner and I have to go see a sex therapist?”             A: Absolutely not!!! Even though most people tend to wait too long to seek professional help, seeing a sex therapist, by no means, implies that there is no hope for your relationship. In reality, coming to therapy shows a lot of strength in the relationship; it shows that your relationship is something worth fighting for.  Seeking help from a sex therapist can allow your sex life to flourish and liven up like you’ve never seen it before (and who doesn’t want that!).

I hope this entry has helped broaden your view on what sex therapy really is and I hope it has helped fight any stigma that may be keeping you, and your partner, from getting the help you really need and deserve from a sex therapist!