As a therapist, I am aware of the many coping strategies, communication tools, and de-escalation tactics that I have at my disposal to help me through times of conflict with my partner. However, I haven’t always known how to deal with relationship problems. And even with all my training and my years of practicing these tools, I can easily fall prey to unconstructive old habits.
During a particular disagreement with my husband, I knew very well just what to say to really annoy him. Most of the time, I acknowledge and am aware of what hurtful, punch-to-the gut thing I can say to really get to him. But I also understand I will probably not get the response I want so I refrain from saying that annoying thing.
However, this time I plowed through and said “F” it I’m going for it! My feelings got the best of me.
Being the sweet husband he is, I watched as he took in a deep breath and instead of one-upping me, he responded with acknowledgment of my hurt. After further discussing our issue, I confessed to him that I was fully aware of my intent to hurt him back. I apologized.
How did I get away with this bad behavior? John Gottman, couples researcher and clinician, proposes a 5:1 ratio is key in maintaining homeostasis in a relationship. For every one negative interaction, we need five positive interactions to keep us feeling balanced in a relationship. More often than not, we need to be good to each other. This allowed me to have my moment, not a fabulous moment, but nonetheless, a human one.
The other thing I did was acknowledge my behavior and apologize shortly after I was able to cool down. Making repairs is so important! And even though I was the hurt partner, I still played a role in how our conflict would emerge and come to a resolution. He made his repair and so did I.
You can protect your relationship by making sure you’re engaging with your partner in positive ways most of the time. We can never get away from conflict altogether, but we can make decisions to be more cognizant in the ways we contribute to conflict and being proactive to maintain a trusting and loving relationship.