Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.
Why is premarital counseling important?
Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.
What to expect in premarital counseling
It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.
As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.
As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!
● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?
● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?
● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?
● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?
● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?
If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.
