Understanding Grief with Continuing Bonds

The death of a loved one is something we all eventually endure, and it will likely be one of the most difficult experiences of life. If you’ve lost a meaningful person in your lifetime, you’ve probably noticed the language used to talk about grief and mourning is focused on “saying goodbye,” or “moving on.” Conversations surrounding grief, bereavement, and mourning often speak to the Stages of Grief, the types of grief, and endless grief recovery resources. Although this information may be helpful to some, it doesn’t always recognize grief and mourning as an ongoing process in our lives. To clarify, I don’t say this to mean the pain we feel does not change over time. In fact, in my own experience, the pain felt after loss ebbs and flows with me through my many transitions. 

Experiencing Grief Through Continuing Bonds
Continuing bonds (CB) is a grief concept that embraces a continued relationship with the deceased in an adapted way. CB acknowledges the ongoing process of grief throughout life and establishes clarity in the many ways we experience grief. 

[Note: Continuing a relationship with deceased loved ones may not feel right for everyone, and that is also perfectly fine! There are also some cases where continuing bonds with the deceased does not move towards healing. Troublesome relationships before death may continue to be difficult following death.]

CB proposes our relationships with our deceased loved ones are not fixed, instead, they frequently develop and age with us through our many seasons of life. We will likely relate to our deceased loved ones differently in our 30s, 40s, and 50s. 

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you have probably already engaged in at least some ways of continuing bonds! Many grieving people will perform private rituals, have conversations with the deceased, or hold onto personal items of their loved ones. These are just some of the ways we continue bonds with our loved ones. 

Unfortunately, many of these behaviors have been deemed pathological, suggesting something must be wrong with the grieving person. Because of this, grieving people may doubt their behaviors, or the grieving behaviors of others, and question if they are “normal.” Many grieving people may even further disconnect from support due to fear of judgment, or the thought that they are “failing” at grieving. If this feels familiar, you may be happy to hear these behaviors are not only common, but they also seem to promote a person’s ability to cope with loss and adjust to significant changes in life. 

Continuing Bonds for the Future
The idea of CB may not be universally valued among our society’s attitudes towards grief. It may not even be accepted in our own beliefs about death and grief. Yet, there is hope! Sharing the ideas of CB with others gives us opportunity to alter our interactions and understandings towards not only grief, but perhaps death and dying as well. 

Through my own encounter with grief, continuing bonds with deceased loved ones has allowed me to process my emotions surrounding death and better support others in my life who are grieving. The ideas of CB have made it possible for me to share the spirit of my deceased loved ones with the meaningful people of my life today. 

If you are someone who wants to remain bonded to your loved ones after death but maybe learned you shouldn’t, or that wanting to do so means you have failed at recovering from grief, my hope is that the knowledge of CB empowers you to continue creating rich connections with deceased loved ones that grow with you through time. 

For more information about Continuing Bonds and other grief-related topics, check out the following links:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

https://whatsyourgrief.com/

What Are You Grieving?

One of the things I value the most is learning about different cultures. It helps me challenge my current beliefs, it pushes me to try new things, and by doing that I get a boost of energy! Although I find new ways to do this at home, I’ve found nothing is like visiting a new country and immersing myself in a culture different than my own. Traveling to different countries around the world has become, not only a privilege, but an essential way to re-energize and reconnect with myself away from work. Starting 2020 had been emotionally draining as I balanced a packed work schedule and various home and life responsibilities. Despite the challenges, I knew that I would soon get to enjoy a much-needed, two-week trip to Japan with my husband and friends. The long work week and stressors of life seemed trivial as I reminded myself that soon I would be experiencing a culture that was more fascinating and different than I had ever experienced before, and would teach me so much. We had been budgeting carefully to pay for our trip. The flights had been purchased. Itinerary and transportation plans to different cities in Japan were ready. Hotels reserved. My list of new ingredients and meals I planned to experience for the first time was ready. Experiences unique to Japanese culture which I hoped to learn from had been planned. Additionally, I had notified all my clients at Reconnecting Relationships Therapy that I would be out of the country and had adjusted their treatment plans in order for them to continue their progress while I was away.

           Two weeks before our flight was set to leave for Japan, we were shocked at having to contemplate the need to cancel our trip. By then, the U.S. was preparing for the novel COVID-19 to arrive as we had been observing from afar the impact it was having on other parts of the world. It took days to reach the difficult decision that making a trip for pleasure did not outweigh the risks of being stranded in a foreign country, unable to come home, and possibly risk the health of others when coming home in the middle of a pandemic. Even as we prepared to cancel our flights, my mind seemed to deny the fact that I could lose something I had put so much work into. The loss I felt was confusing, filled with deep sadness, frustration, and hopelessness. A loss of predictability as I had planned and visited other countries with little, to no interruption. But what I felt the most uncomfortable about was my feeling of guilt. I felt so guilty for feeling these emotions and saying them out loud was something I wanted to avoid. After all, many people had already died from the coronavirus infection and more cases were being confirmed daily. Guilt, that while I was feeling sad and frustrated, our country and the DFW area were soon going to have to face the unknowns of COVID-19.

           As rapid changes became the new reality amid a pandemic, I was forced to do what loss forces us all to do. Grieve. For the first time in my life I experienced a sense of community grieving. Grieving the loss of certainty and predictability which are things that we don’t normally grieve. Grieving our routines which we were accustomed to living. Grieving the physical interactions with family, friends, coworkers, and my clients. I had to reflect on what was truly meaningful so that I could understand the new reality created by the loss I was feeling.

           With grieving, I usually tell my clients it’s not linear. It comes in waves instead of predictable stages. I have worked with many clients grieving the loss of a loved one or a relationship. Unfortunately, I had less practice grieving things, experiences, or unexpected events. I began to consider the many people that were experiencing similar losses and as a result, a confusing grieving process. All around me, were others who had to cancel trips, weddings, graduation ceremonies, and other milestones. Others had lost their jobs, expected income, or their ability to experience physical companionship due to social distancing. Each individual will experience loss and grief in their own way.

While I don’t have a formula to determine what facet of an event or item will cause one to grieve, what I can share with you, is that our brain is a predictive organ. When we’re deeply bonded to someone, we develop an attachment that becomes part of our identity. Our brain begins to predict interactions with that person even if they are not physically with us. For those of us who have lost a loved one, you can relate to having moments where you long to share something you just saw or experienced with the person you lost. Those moments where we are reminded by the loss are sad and painful. These difficult moments are where our minds are restructuring the meaning to the loss, without completely erasing the attachment. It’s a difficult but crucial step of grieving. When we feel pain and sadness from our losses, our mind is signaling that we need to slow down because we are grieving. The same process can apply to losing other aspects intertwined with our identity, like experiences or milestones. In my case, losing the opportunity to travel right now challenges how I see myself when I think of my individual growth. I relied on traveling as a way to push beyond my comfort zone, as well as, practice self-care. Through grieving, I can now explore how to adjust my growth when I can’t travel. We all need time to readjust to what it’s like to no longer have our loved one, our plans, or whatever we may have lost that was dear to us.

Grief is a difficult emotion to often admit, especially in our culture. We strive to be happy, positive, and resilient. We often disregard the benefits that emotions associated to grief can have. Leaning into our sadness of what we lost, can help us focus our attention away from the world around us, so that we can begin the mental reset needed to find adaptation. Take a moment to acknowledge what you are feeling. You may have one feeling that stands out or many. Then name what you lost, if right now your losses have piled up, it may be hard to name them all. Name all the feelings you can, and know it can take time to articulate all that you lost. Identifying needs to an abstract loss can be challenging, but only by identifying them can we really move on to think of what’s ahead. Once you can identify what you lost, then you can begin to explore your unique needs to feel whole again. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit that feeling whole again, does not replace what was lost in the same way. But there is the possibility that it could be better or that you can now identify what you really need.

With the many events taken place this year, our losses may have accumulated and left us confused on where to start or how to deal with them. It is my hope for you that you will allow time for the sadness and loss to run through, so that you are able to identify and face what you lost, and as a result find the strategies that will help you adapt. It may take time and other’s may not understand it, but that’s ok. You lost something that was a part of your identity and for that you are grieving it. You’re not a bag of emotions. You’re resilient.