Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me. I was met with reasons not to be upset. Did this make me feel better? No. Of course not. Is this person a bad person. No. Of course not.
We may go around invalidating people and not realize it. How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.” We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright. Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving.
So, what is validation?
Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions. However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings. Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone. Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation.
Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively. When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position. Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships. But how come it’s so hard to do this?
Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate
Not sure how. Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately.
They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective. Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.
It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument. Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue. Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation. Our need to protect our ego can be strong.
They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions. It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis. Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.
They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive. They have a hard time expressing vulnerability. If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I come across this issue often. This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships. It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective. However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.
Do you struggle to validate your partner? Which one of these reasons apply to you? If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance.