Understanding relationship conflicts
We have all felt that feeling of deep confusion when a fight with our partner has once again landed us in the seemingly endless loop of arguing, and yet feeling like we are getting further from any sort of resolution. We find ourselves wondering how our partner keeps doing the thing that upsets us so much.
The laundry being left undone. Time at dinner spent scrolling on the phone. Past offenses left without repair. The tone of voice that implies so much more. The attacks that feel so personal, we are left feeling wounded and alone. In these all-too-familiar situations, our focus on the content of our fights often lead us stumbling into cycles of escalated and heated conflicts. We feel our body respond, our heart rates rising, and we eventually find ourselves completely drained with a feeling that the problem is beyond repair. How can we trust our relationships to be a source of support when these interactions leave us isolated and disconnected from each other? Have you ever felt the desire to be comforted by the very person who has somehow become the adversary? I know I have.
It’s probably not about the laundry
Maybe sometimes it’s about the laundry, however the content of our fights rarely communicates the deeper, unacknowledged issues we are fighting for. What we are fighting for and what we are fighting about are very different things. What we fight for are our needs, vulnerabilities, and feelings of worth. Because these things are more difficult to articulate, or maybe we don’t feel able to be vulnerable with our partner, we often blame the laundry.
When something profoundly impacts us, it is often because it echoes past experiences we’ve lived through. Our partner scrolling their phone at dinner pulls us back to a pattern we understand to be neglectful. When our partner makes time for others before us, it may trigger feelings of insecurity that we are not good enough, or that our partner doesn’t care. When these triggers build over time, we begin to view the actions of our partner through this narrow perspective. What difference would it make if we took a moment together to understand what we are fighting for?
3 common reasons for relationship conflict
Uncovering what motivates our fights to escalate gives us clarity and allows us to resolve conflict more effectively. Although there are many reasons fueling our relationship conflict, the following three often impact how we participate in our relationships.
Power and Control – Arguments about power and control may focus on how decisions are made in the relationship. Maybe decisions about parenting, how finances are managed, or what money is used to purchase. These arguments may also focus on who and when sex is initiated.
Care and Closeness – These fights often speak to how we support each other, or maybe how we communicate in the relationship. These fights are usually about feelings of rejection, abandonment, and trust.
Respect and Recognition – Fights related to respect and recognition center around receiving acknowledgement of our worth in our relationships. These arguments touch on our needs for praise over criticism—knowing that our partner knows we positively influence their lives and that we are enough.
How to talk about what really matters
There are usually many reasons behind any given fight with our partner, however, allowing these themes to be a framework for understanding our fights can dramatically shift the language we use during times of conflict and disagreement.
To get out of that loop of arguing about the same things, we must create new patterns through language to help us identify and share underlying meanings of our conflicts. Stepping out of the old way of fighting is a method of deconstructing the familiar dance of our fights and creating a new dance one movement at a time.
Fair fighting
When creating our new way of fighting, it can be helpful to first establish some “rules” during conflict. These guidelines for fighting can help establish a safe playing field for us to explore with our partner the important meanings of our arguments.
Ask yourself why you feel upset – Before bringing things up to your partner, first take a moment and ask yourself what you are feeling upset about. Are you angry about the dishes, or is it because you feel you are taking on more than your partner? Or is it because you feel your efforts go unnoticed?
One thing at a time – Stick with one topic at a time. Discussions starting about household chores and eventually turn into a laundry list of problems is more likely to become escalated.
Own your feelings – Use “I” statements when expressing how you feel (“I feel sad when my phone calls to you are ignored.” “I feel scared when you yell.”)
Discuss the issue, not the person – Problems in our relationships are more likely to be solved when we focus on the problem rather than our partner. Stay away from language that degrades your partner and criticisms that attack your partner’s character.
Listen to understand, not to respond – Listen to your partner when they speak without interrupting and try to understand their perspective, even if you disagree. This is not the time to craft your counterargument. Take turns speaking so you both have a chance to share your feelings. Setting a timer of 1-2 minutes can help with taking turns without interruption.
No yelling, no silent treatment – Although it’s easy to yell or refuse to respond, these methods typically result in escalated arguments. If the conversation is turning towards yelling or the silent treatment, consider taking a break.
Take a break – Go to bed angry! A lot of us have heard how we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but honestly, sleep might be exactly what you both need. Take a break when the conversation gets too heated. Agree on how long of a break to take or set a time to return to each other to continue the conversation.
These guidelines allow us to know what to expect when bringing up issues with our partner. This not only means we are less likely to ignore problems and let them fester away, but that we are also more likely to find resolutions and a deeper understanding of our relationships.
If you are interested in learning more about conflict resolution skills in your relationship, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com