What is a relationship without trust? Will a relationship be successful without trust? Does trust have to go both ways? What do you have in a relationship if you do not have trust? Trust is pivotal in relationships and is usually seen as a part of the foundation of a relationship. Trust can be lost in many ways. Perhaps trust was lost when an embarrassing story was told about you. Or maybe when something hidden has been revealed. Most commonly, trust is lost when we have been betrayed. Once that trust is lost, we feel powerless and vulnerable. We can oftentimes feel so powerless and vulnerable that we begin to question whether that trust can be restored. We are resilient creatures and therefore can bounce back and handle things we seem to think we cannot. “But how?” may be your next question.
I grew up, like many others, hearing, “you have to earn my trust” or “you have to earn back your trust.” Then, one day, I came across this quote, “trust isn’t something that you earn, it’s something that you give” (Richard Fagerlin). This really got me thinking and questioning the way I thought trust was restored; then, it all started to make sense. One of the many reasons trust should be given and not earned is because when trust is earned, we begin to keep score. When score is being kept in a relationship no one ever wins, and it creates a division or the sense that someone is better than the other. When we work from the concept that trust should be earned, we may also be setting unreasonably high standards that can never be achieved, or we start low and continuously raise those standards in order for them to not be met.
Giving our trust to someone is a choice that we must make for ourselves. We must make the decision to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, once again, and let down that brick wall that we have built to protect ourselves from the betrayal. One must be committed to giving and building trust as it is often a long and strenuous process. An important concept to remember is that by giving someone your trust again, you are not condoning or excusing their behavior. By giving someone your trust, you are giving them the benefit of a doubt. It is also a way to regain that lost power and control because you are choosing to let go of the betrayal. Just because trust is given does not mean you have to give it to everyone. When choosing to give your trust make sure you are looking for red flags, are checking for safety, and are setting boundaries. If you still need help giving trust, you can always contact your local therapist’s office.
“Only a confident, secure, courageous person can choose to trust.”
-Richard Fagerlin