From Sibling Rivalry to Sibling Revelry: It CAN Happen!

“Mom!  Jimmy hit me!”  

“Well what were you doing to him?”  

“Nothing!  He started it!”

Do you find this being typical dialogue in your home?  At some point in parenting, if you have more than one child, sibling rivalry will rear its ugly head.  We can’t escape it entirely, but there are ways to lessen this problematic situation.  

Let’s begin by defining it.  According to Merriam-Webster, it is a “competition between siblings especially for the attention, affection, and approval of their parents.”  Oh man!  That sure does put parents in an awkward position.  

Who argues?

Although all kids have a tendency to argue, the closer-in-age and same-gender children tend to have more drama than any other set of siblings.  Being similar puts kids at a higher advantage for promoting competition.  The closeness in age can put pressure on the younger one to keep up with the older one, and if they are of the same gender, both kids can find themselves competing for the attention of a specific parent.  

Normal or Not?

You often hear parents explain, “Oh, they fight like any other normal set of siblings.”  But what is normal?  Compare one person’s perspective to the next and it may be completely different.  A better way to examine it might be to consider how often sibling rivalry occurs in the home and how intensely it is experienced.  How does their rivalry affect the family dynamics and each member individually?  

In 2012, a research study indicated that conflictual sibling rivalry is closely related to negative behaviors such as aggression and anti-social tendencies (including substance use), whereas healthy sibling relationships are linked to positive interactions with friends and intimate partners, a greater ability to adjust to academic pressures, and improved prosperity and mental health. In a separate study (2013), sibling aggression is closely linked to the decline of positive mental health.  Additionally, whether aggression comes from a sibling or a peer, the effects on well-being are the same.   

On a positive note, recent research shows that parents can also benefit from practicing conflict resolution with the kids in the home.  During the study, as parents taught and guided their children to communicate positively with siblings, mom and dad were able to borrow the same tactics.  Parents became better at managing their own emotions, therefore improving their overall mental health.  

So what can you do?

Avoid comparisons and labels.  Comparing one child to the next only promotes competition. Instead, acknowledge their own interests and express your support for their individuality.  Oftentimes, children are given labels in the family such as “the smart one” or “the artsy one.”  It may seem harmless, but placing labels can actually restrict the child from attempting something they find to be challenging.  

Don’t get caught in the middle.  Don’t act as a judge or try to determine who is right and who is wrong.  This only creates more conflict and hostility between siblings.  First, allow siblings to resolve their own arguments, although if you see the argument escalating or getting out of hand, then it is time to step in.  Never allow kids to become physically abusive with one another.  Nonetheless, use this opportunity to guide them to making good decisions about communication.  Listen to what they are trying to say to each other and steer clear from making criticisms.  Many times, kids have difficulty expressing themselves which only frustrates them even more.  You might try something like, “It sounds like what your brother is trying to say is…” or “What do you hear your sister say?” Ask each child to clarify if the message is coming across inaccurately.        

Spend “quality” time with each child.  Spend time with each child and as a family.  This does not mean you have to spend a lot of money or a great deal of time.  Life can get pretty busy but a 10 minute “quality” conversation can go a long way with kids.  Put the phone away and make sure your child gets your full attention.  Ask questions and show interest.  The more your kid feels connected to you, the less they feel the need to act out or compete with their sibling.  

Aside from taking certain steps to minimize sibling rivalry, it’s necessary to understand the longstanding emotional and mental effects that can occur if ignored.  Although sibling rivalry might be all too common in our society, it does not excuse us from being proactive.  As parents we want to see our children thrive and grow, and part of becoming that healthy individual means learning to resolve conflict with others.  The early relationship building experiences a child receives can leave a lasting impact on their mental health for years to come, but also your own!   

References

Feinberg, M.E., Solmeyer, A.R., Hostetler, M.L., Sakuma, K., Jones, D., & McHale, S.M. (2012). Siblings are special: Initial test of a new approach for preventing youth behavior problems. Journal of Adolescent Health, 53(2), 166-173.  doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.10.004

Ravindran, N., Engle, J.M., McElwain, N.L., & Kramer, L. Fostering parents’ emotion regulation through a sibling-focused experimental intervention. (2015). Journal of Family Psychology, 29(3), 458-468.  doi: 10.1037/fam0000084

Tucker, C.J., Finkelhor, D., Turner, H., & Shattuck, A. (2013). Association of sibling aggression with child and adolescent mental health. Pediatrics, 132(1), 79-84. doi: 10.1542/peds.2012-3801

http://www.sylviarimm.com/article_sibcomp.html

Where Did The Summer Go?

Guess what time is quickly approaching…yep! Back to School!!!  

My daughters are beginning new schools this year.  One begins high school while the other starts middle school.  However, I worry more about my 11 year old since the changes from elementary to middle school can be more pronounced.  All of a sudden, kids now have to manage their own schedules, decide where to sit for lunch, and designate their own study time all while trying to make new friends, navigating through an unfamiliar, larger school, and taking on an increased workload.

So here are some areas to consider in easing your child’s anticipation for the new school year experience.  While these are mainly geared toward middle schoolers, they can easily be applied to any student.  

PLANNING AND PREPARATION

Oftentimes, it’s the straightforward information that can be most helpful.  Planning ahead of time can cut back on frustration and anxiety on the part of both parent and child.  

Consider attending an orientation.  Before school begins, get a copy of your child’s class schedule and explore the school layout so your child can become familiar with the new setting.  Walk your kid to each class and locate the closest restrooms.  Kids can be given as little as 4 minutes between classes.

Buy a lock and practice the new combination.  There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to unlock a locker when you are crunched for time and you have to remember how to get to your next class.  Have him or her practice the lock and memorize the combination.

Make copies of pertinent information.  Kids have to juggle a ton of information in that first week.  Make sure to supply your child with two copies of their class schedule in case they lose one.  Also, make sure they have the necessary information regarding bus and lunch schedules.      

THE SCHOOL WORK

With each new stage in a kid’s school career, there is the expectation that class work becomes more difficult.  Of course, there is nothing we can do as parents to unload them of this burden, but there are things we can do to help them increase their efficiency and productivity.  

Practice time management & organization skills.  Buy your child a planner and/or calendar.  Assist him or her in scheduling due dates for projects and homework.  Purchase post-it notes, index cards, and highlighters for organizing and building study skills.  

Set realistic academic goals.  Let them know that you are proud of their efforts more so than the grade.  Reward them accordingly.  I am not a big believer in paying for grades but instead rewarding kids through appreciation and acknowledgment.  Kids are quite capable of doing well in school.  It’s the times they struggle that we need to pay attention to how we respond.  Ask yourself:  Was the grade acceptable for the type of work that was performed?  Are my academic expectations for my child reasonable?  And, how can I teach or guide my child to make improvements?   

Keep an open dialogue with your kid’s teachers.  Communication between parent and teacher is essential in helping your child through challenging times.  A teacher can keep you tuned in to what goes on in school before something becomes a situation.  

Encourage socializing.  While it’s not a great idea to talk in class, it is wise to exchange email addresses or phone numbers with another student in each class.  There will be times when your kid will miss class and having a fellow student who can communicate class assignments can help your kid from falling behind.

MAKING FRIENDS

First day of school can be intimidating for kids especially when they are the new kid.  This is a great time to talk with them about their expectations and discuss past experiences.  When anxiety becomes prominent in a child’s mind, he or she may forget their own successes from previous school years.

Encourage extracurricular activities.  Making new friends can be a daunting task but getting your child involved in sports or an afterschool organization can ease their woes of being an outsider.  Just make sure it’s an activity your child enjoys.  

Plan weekend hangouts.   If your kid is at a new school, chances are, they miss a friend from their previous school.  Allow your child to reconnect with old friends over the weekend.  Also, show support for new, budding relationships by inviting new friends over after school or on the weekends.      

Consider emotional growth.  Keep in mind that with all the new changes taking place, your kid is dealing with one that needs to be taken into account.  Puberty!  Yes this is a fun one!  Even the sweetest of kids can turn into scary little creatures.  Be sympathetic and understanding.  Sometimes they just need to feel supported and accepted.    

I hope these tips help you in the new school year!  Remember you are their #1 teacher.  YOU have the ability to influence your kid’s new school year experience.  Good luck and have a great year!

Sex Therapy FAQs

Typically, when people ask me what I do I tell them that I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist-Associate and that I am working towards specializing in Sex Therapy.  Once that cat gets out of the bag, in come the questions!  I have found that there are a lot of misunderstandings as to what it really means to be a sex therapist and what exactly happens during a session focused on sex therapy.   So, I have compiled a list of the most common questions that people tend to ask.  

Q: “Does a sex therapist have sex with their clients?”                                                       A: NO!!! Definitely not!  Sex therapy is just like any other type of psychotherapy; all you do is talk. 

Q: “Does the couple have sex with each other in front of the sex therapist?”                     A:  Again, NO!!! There is no touching of any kind, nor are any sexual acts played out. However, the therapist may encourage the couple to go home and try an exercise that was discussed during the session, if they are comfortable with it.

Q: “Do you have to be in a relationship to go to sex therapy?”                                         A: Not at all!  Although sex therapists typically see couples, there are times when an individual is dealing with sexual problems of their own.  

Q: “What type of issues does a sex therapist help with?”                                                 A: Sex therapists generally help discover different emotional issues that are creating sexual problems between the couple. Sex therapists also help people who are dealing with issues such as: lack of desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, difficulty getting and/or maintaining an erection, premature ejaculation, pain during penetrative sex, unwanted fetishes, and sexual addiction.  

Q: “Does a sex therapist ever get embarrassed or uncomfortable during session?”             A: Due to the sex therapist’s extensive knowledge in the field, nothing you say will embarrass the therapist, nor should it embarrass you!  Just like any other therapist, your issues will be treated with compassion and understanding.  (And don’t worry, your sex therapist has probably already heard of anything and everything there is to do with sex at least once!)

Q: “Is my relationship ruined if my partner and I have to go see a sex therapist?”             A: Absolutely not!!! Even though most people tend to wait too long to seek professional help, seeing a sex therapist, by no means, implies that there is no hope for your relationship. In reality, coming to therapy shows a lot of strength in the relationship; it shows that your relationship is something worth fighting for.  Seeking help from a sex therapist can allow your sex life to flourish and liven up like you’ve never seen it before (and who doesn’t want that!).

I hope this entry has helped broaden your view on what sex therapy really is and I hope it has helped fight any stigma that may be keeping you, and your partner, from getting the help you really need and deserve from a sex therapist!