Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person.  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

• Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

• They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

• It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

• They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

• They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Premarital Counseling: Before You Say "I Do"

Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.

Why is premarital counseling important?

Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.

What to expect in premarital counseling

It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.

As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.

As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!

● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?

● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?

● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?

● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?

● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?

If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.

Lilian’s Bio

Marriage is Hard Work

As my wedding anniversary nears, I can remember one particular response I received when sharing the news that I was getting married.  A lady that worked in the same building as me asked, “Are you sure?” She dipped her head back and rolled her eyes regretfully as she described how marriage is a ball and chain.  I understood she meant no malice but instead was offering me portentous advice based on her own experiences.  Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t take her seriously, but it certainly opened my eyes to how some people feel about marriage. 

This November marks 22 years with my husband.  In being together this length of time, we have had our share of ups and downs.  And one thing I know for sure is marriage is hard work!  But when you hear that marriage is hard work, because I’m sure you’ve heard this pretty often, what comes to mind? And just how difficult should you expect it to be? 

Hard work means so many things.  It means not taking your relationship for granted.  It means attuning to your partner intentionally.  It means taking your partner into consideration when making big decisions and maybe even the small ones.  It means letting him or her know how much you care and appreciate them.  It means trying over and over to understand each other.

Putting in the effort to your marriage can be so rewarding.  The best way I can describe it is like getting through a tough physical workout.  At first it feels a little daunting, then you’re right in the middle of it all and gaining momentum, and when it’s over you feel proud for getting to the other side of it.  Maybe you hurt a little but you know that you’ll be stronger because of it.  So essentially what I’m saying is the kind of hard work you put into a relationship should make you feel good. 

Each partner has to be an active participant in the marriage.  I read somewhere that in successful relationships a partner must be willing to put in 100% without the expectation to receive something back.  Sound crazy?  Just think about it.  No tit for tat.  No more he said, she said.  No need to keep count. Each of you share the responsibility for the relationship fairly.  But 50/50 is no such thing!  It’s all in!

Ready to give it a real shot? Call your local therapist today!

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.

Where Do You Wish To Meet?

Illustration by Sophia Schultz

Abraham Maslow was a humanistic psychologist who developed a theory describing what motivates individuals and how they move along the lines of getting their needs met.  His concept, Hierarchy of Needs, is most often depicted in a pyramid to delineate each level.  The bottom level, the foundation, represents the most basic necessities for human survival while the highest level demonstrates transcendent desires.  As a person reaches their goals in one level, he or she is able to move on to the next level.  If an individual has yet to satisfy the needs for food and shelter one can assume this person is less likely motivated to fulfill their needs in other levels.

The 5 Stage Model includes:   

  1.    Physiological Needs -  food, shelter, water, clothing

2.    Safety & Security -  health, employment, stability, security of  body

3.    Love & Belonging -  friendships, family, intimacy, connection

4.    Self-Esteem -  confidence, respect from others, achievement

5.    Self-Actualization -  spontaneity, creativity, lack of prejudice, realizing personal potential

While the hierarchy is depicted in an upward trajectory, it is not uncommon for people to fluctuate from one level to the next.  When changes arise such as divorce, death, breakups, or loss of employment individuals can find themselves moving back and forth through the hierarchy.  And when these needs to be loved, to feel safe, to feel confident become threatened, it is human nature to make attempts, even if ineffective, to gain or maintain them.  

In our practice, clients come to us from all different levels.  We do our best to listen to where our clients have been and discover where they wish to be.  Whichever level you find yourself, we will meet you there.   

Rebuilding Your Relationship When Dealing with Addiction by Paige Johnson

Addiction ruins things. It can ruin your health, it can ruin your bank account, and it can ruin your reputation. One of the things many people see ruined by addiction is their relationships. While dealing with an addiction, you may do things that erode trust between you and your partner; things like infidelity. In fact, in a 2014 article published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, almost half of the alcohol addicts surveyed had also gone through with a divorce at some point in their lives.

The sad truth is you may not be able to repair the damage done to your relationship. Your partner may feel too hurt with too much trust lost to go back to the way things were. If they decide to walk away, there’s nothing you can do about it with the exception of acceptance.

On the other hand, some people feel such a sense of guilt for the things they did due to their addiction, they want to end their relationship as a way of atonement. It’s important not to make any major life changes during your first year of recovery. This includes ending a major relationship such as your marriage as well as starting a new one. Your road to recovery may be the thing that helps save your marriage.

Know Things Have Changed

When you recover from addiction, there’s no going back to the way things used to be. While you may feel the desire to work toward a simpler time in the past, there’s no possible way to get there so accepting your position is crucial. You may not even realize all the ways your behavior has impacted your relationship.

Your partner had to grow and change to deal with watching your self-destruction. They may seem cold and callous when they were once warm and loving. It’s unfair for you to expect them to be the same after all this time, so accept the place they are at now.

Work to Mend What Is Broken

Chances are, you and your addiction did more than your fair share of destruction in your relationship. Some people miss important events or disappear for weeks at a time when they’re on a bender. Others stick around and show up, only to act irrationally and violently towards the ones they love. And some relationships have to face the ultimate test after one of the parties cheats on the other.

Infidelity is traumatizing. It causes the wronged party to question you, your relationship, and themselves. If you committed adultery and have come clean to your partner, it will take time to rebuild the trust that is now lost. To build this trust, you must be completely honest with your partner. This is difficult for many people as addicts have a hard time being honest with themselves. However, the work is necessary if you want to save your relationship.

Accept Responsibility for Your Actions

You will not be able to move on if you do not accept responsibility for the things you’ve done. This means you cannot play the victim when you relate to your partner why you’ve done said things. Life is tough; we all have to deal with our own traumas every day. Trying to use your own traumas as a scapegoat for your behavior only shows that you are not ready to be honest and move on from your addiction.

Listen to Your Partner

While you are going through recovery, you will be talking a lot. You talk to your therapist, you talk to your group, and you talk to your higher power. When it comes to rebuilding your romantic relationship, it is time to listen. Take in everything they have to say and ask questions when you need clarification. It may be difficult to have to listen to all the ways you hurt him or her, but the pain is a fraction of what they felt when you were doing it.

The key to rebuilding your relationship during recovery is acceptance. You must accept the continuation of time and how it changes people. You need to accept that the process will be long and arduous. You need to accept responsibility for what you’ve done and the communication your partner offers you. But in the end, you must also accept forgiveness from yourself. Forgiving yourself is the only way to truly open yourself to being forgiven by your partner so you can rebuild your loving relationship.

Paige Johnson calls herself a fitness nerd. She prides in doing strength training, cycling, and yoga. She is a personal trainer and regular contributor to LearnFit.org.

Jenifer Costigan guest speaker on "Love, Sex and Religion"

We are proud to announce one of our therapists, Jenifer Costigan was invited as a guest speaker and appeared on the "Love, Sex, and Religion" podcast.

To listen click on the link below: 

 https://soundcloud.com/lo…/sex-therapy-feat-jenifer-costigan

Surviving the Damages from an Affair

What exactly is an affair?  Many people have different definitions for this word.  Some people believe an affair is having a sexual relationship with someone outside of the relationship, others believe becoming emotionally attached to someone else is considered having an affair, while some believe the act of watching pornography could be considered an affair.  This is why it is so important to communicate individual expectations with your partner in where healthy boundaries and limits can be established in order to protect your relationship.  

If an affair within the relationship does occur, it can be very detrimental to the relationship, as well as to the non-offending partner.  However, just because damage has been done, does not mean it cannot be repaired!  It won’t happen overnight, but with the guidance and support of a skilled professional, it can be done.

You may be asking yourself, “How?”  A licensed therapist will be able to help the couple identify the underlying contributions to the affair.  The shared responsibility of these contributions may not be equal; however, addressing each partner’s role in the relationship could provide clues on issues that weakened the relationship prior to the affair.  This can help the couple prevent these circumstances in the future.  A therapist will also help the couple with improving their communication patterns.  They will learn how to “communicate more sensitively, how to listen with more respect, how to talk about sensitive issues without anger or criticism, and how to offer more positivity…” (Heitler, 2011).  The most difficult aspects of surviving the affair are forgiveness and trust.  Be prepared for the long haul while repairing these pieces.  It can, however, be done while working with a therapist through the anger, pain, and fears. 

Once the communication gate is open and flowing, and the partners have repaired trust, it may be time to explore restoring the couple’s intimacy.  In the beginning, sexual intimacy may be compared to the intimacy that occurred during the affair.  The therapist can help the couple come back together in order to achieve more enjoyable and pleasurable intimacy that may have been missing or lacking previously.  

With all of this being said, in order for the couple to survive this rainstorm, both partners have to be willing to repair the damages together.  This can all be done with the support and help from a professional therapist.  Some couples even report developing an even stronger and more intimate relationship after surviving the affair!

References:

Bloom, Charlie & Bloom, Linda. (2010, May 10). Is there (marital) life after an affair? [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201005/is-there-marital-life-after-affair

Heitler, Susan. (2011, Nov 1). Recovery from an affair. [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair

McCarthy, Barry W. (2012, Jan 2). Sexual recovery from an extramarital affair. [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201201/sexual-recovery-extramarital-affair