Give Trust

What is a relationship without trust?  Will a relationship be successful without trust?  Does trust have to go both ways?  What do you have in a relationship if you do not have trust?  Trust is pivotal in relationships and is usually seen as a part of the foundation of a relationship.  Trust can be lost in many ways.  Perhaps trust was lost when an embarrassing story was told about you.  Or maybe when something hidden has been revealed.  Most commonly, trust is lost when we have been betrayed.  Once that trust is lost, we feel powerless and vulnerable.  We can oftentimes feel so powerless and vulnerable that we begin to question whether that trust can be restored.  We are resilient creatures and therefore can bounce back and handle things we seem to think we cannot.  “But how?” may be your next question.

I grew up, like many others, hearing, “you have to earn my trust” or “you have to earn back your trust.”  Then, one day, I came across this quote, “trust isn’t something that you earn, it’s something that you give” (Richard Fagerlin).  This really got me thinking and questioning the way I thought trust was restored; then, it all started to make sense.  One of the many reasons trust should be given and not earned is because when trust is earned, we begin to keep score.  When score is being kept in a relationship no one ever wins, and it creates a division or the sense that someone is better than the other.  When we work from the concept that trust should be earned, we may also be setting unreasonably high standards that can never be achieved, or we start low and continuously raise those standards in order for them to not be met.

Giving our trust to someone is a choice that we must make for ourselves.  We must make the decision to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, once again, and let down that brick wall that we have built to protect ourselves from the betrayal.  One must be committed to giving and building trust as it is often a long and strenuous process.  An important concept to remember is that by giving someone your trust again, you are not condoning or excusing their behavior.  By giving someone your trust, you are giving them the benefit of a doubt.  It is also a way to regain that lost power and control because you are choosing to let go of the betrayal.  Just because trust is given does not mean you have to give it to everyone.  When choosing to give your trust make sure you are looking for red flags, are checking for safety, and are setting boundaries. If you still need help giving trust, you can always contact your local therapist’s office.

“Only a confident, secure, courageous person can choose to trust.”

-Richard Fagerlin

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.

Where Do You Wish To Meet?

Illustration by Sophia Schultz

Abraham Maslow was a humanistic psychologist who developed a theory describing what motivates individuals and how they move along the lines of getting their needs met.  His concept, Hierarchy of Needs, is most often depicted in a pyramid to delineate each level.  The bottom level, the foundation, represents the most basic necessities for human survival while the highest level demonstrates transcendent desires.  As a person reaches their goals in one level, he or she is able to move on to the next level.  If an individual has yet to satisfy the needs for food and shelter one can assume this person is less likely motivated to fulfill their needs in other levels.

The 5 Stage Model includes:   

  1.    Physiological Needs -  food, shelter, water, clothing

2.    Safety & Security -  health, employment, stability, security of  body

3.    Love & Belonging -  friendships, family, intimacy, connection

4.    Self-Esteem -  confidence, respect from others, achievement

5.    Self-Actualization -  spontaneity, creativity, lack of prejudice, realizing personal potential

While the hierarchy is depicted in an upward trajectory, it is not uncommon for people to fluctuate from one level to the next.  When changes arise such as divorce, death, breakups, or loss of employment individuals can find themselves moving back and forth through the hierarchy.  And when these needs to be loved, to feel safe, to feel confident become threatened, it is human nature to make attempts, even if ineffective, to gain or maintain them.  

In our practice, clients come to us from all different levels.  We do our best to listen to where our clients have been and discover where they wish to be.  Whichever level you find yourself, we will meet you there.