Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person.  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

• Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

• They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

• It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

• They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

• They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Give Trust

What is a relationship without trust?  Will a relationship be successful without trust?  Does trust have to go both ways?  What do you have in a relationship if you do not have trust?  Trust is pivotal in relationships and is usually seen as a part of the foundation of a relationship.  Trust can be lost in many ways.  Perhaps trust was lost when an embarrassing story was told about you.  Or maybe when something hidden has been revealed.  Most commonly, trust is lost when we have been betrayed.  Once that trust is lost, we feel powerless and vulnerable.  We can oftentimes feel so powerless and vulnerable that we begin to question whether that trust can be restored.  We are resilient creatures and therefore can bounce back and handle things we seem to think we cannot.  “But how?” may be your next question.

I grew up, like many others, hearing, “you have to earn my trust” or “you have to earn back your trust.”  Then, one day, I came across this quote, “trust isn’t something that you earn, it’s something that you give” (Richard Fagerlin).  This really got me thinking and questioning the way I thought trust was restored; then, it all started to make sense.  One of the many reasons trust should be given and not earned is because when trust is earned, we begin to keep score.  When score is being kept in a relationship no one ever wins, and it creates a division or the sense that someone is better than the other.  When we work from the concept that trust should be earned, we may also be setting unreasonably high standards that can never be achieved, or we start low and continuously raise those standards in order for them to not be met.

Giving our trust to someone is a choice that we must make for ourselves.  We must make the decision to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, once again, and let down that brick wall that we have built to protect ourselves from the betrayal.  One must be committed to giving and building trust as it is often a long and strenuous process.  An important concept to remember is that by giving someone your trust again, you are not condoning or excusing their behavior.  By giving someone your trust, you are giving them the benefit of a doubt.  It is also a way to regain that lost power and control because you are choosing to let go of the betrayal.  Just because trust is given does not mean you have to give it to everyone.  When choosing to give your trust make sure you are looking for red flags, are checking for safety, and are setting boundaries. If you still need help giving trust, you can always contact your local therapist’s office.

“Only a confident, secure, courageous person can choose to trust.”

-Richard Fagerlin

Telling The Children by Jerry Cosby

Once the level of suffering and pain has become intolerable, when dreams have been shattered and hope for the future has been lost, one or both of the parents may decide to divorce. Telling the children is an undertaking of great importance; lives will be changed.  After wrestling with this gut-wrenching decision to divorce, most parents desperately dread the idea of making the announcement. Some parents make the mistake of allowing the children to find out when one morning the children awake to a catastrophe - Dad and his belongings have disappeared into thin air. In any case, the children will remember this day for a lifetime and reassess the understanding of it at every stage of their development. Conversation, done fully and well, will ease the pain and comfort them.  Conversations done poorly will profoundly add to their confusion, anxiety, and pain. And this devastating conversation takes place at a time when the parents are angry, hurt, and in torment themselves. Here are several suggestions.

1.     Both parents and all the children of appropriate age should be present when communicating the decision to divorce. Do not meet with them one parent at a time as they need to see the two of you together and observe your body language and hear the inflection of your voice as each of you contributes to the discussion. Meeting with them alone invites favoritism and promotes confusion and suspicion.

2.     Speak slowly and simply.  Remember they will hear what you say, how you say it, and what you don’t say.

 3.     Choose a quiet time when you and they can have a lengthy conference without interruption. Turn off the TV, telephones, and computers. Watch out for the distractions and pressures of pending homework, business telephone calls, arriving guests, and other disturbances.

4.     Make sure that you frame the conversation as a final announcement, not a pending decision.  They will hope and fantasize that you will change your mind and will continue to do so for some years.

5.     Ask them what they understand about divorce and their friends’ experiences with it. As painful as it may be, encourage them to speak up about their fears, anger, and concerns; they may have some misconceptions that you can correct. Some children will be frozen into silence. Even so, their minds will be running at full speed. Expect that they may lie about how they feel to comfort you, especially if you have been crying during the discussion.  They may also be concerned about having little or no input into the decision-making process. Not paying enough attention to their wishes often leads to a combination of anger and powerlessness which can undermine their initiative later in life and can result in resentment that carries through deep into adulthood.

6.     Assure them that they did not cause the divorce nor can they fix it. Also, that they are still loved by both parents, that they are the best parts of the marriage, and that you will continue to take care of them until they are grown, just as you always would. 

7.     Schedule a follow-up meeting to discuss future plans after everyone has had a chance to think things over. At that meeting, promise to keep them informed with details of what’s happening currently and events that are coming.

8.     Arrange for a time to take them to the new surroundings. Remember to repeat some of the information as young minds can’t assimilate information on one or two hearings.

Knowing that this will be one of the worst days of their lives, will this plan of intelligently going through a family meeting counteract the effect of this massive disappointment for the children? No, it will not.  But, it will go far in reducing the fear, suffering, and loneliness of the crisis.

Jerry Cosby is an experienced mediator specializing in divorce who gives emphasis to the healing of the spouses and children. To find out more about his services, please visit www.texasmediationgroup.com.