The Meaning of Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day has evolved over the years for me.  What it meant in the beginning has changed over the course of being married to my husband twenty-two plus years and raising two daughters together.  In the early years, there were nice, romantic candlelit dinners, sometimes just the two of us and sometimes double dates with friends.  These were the years when we could be carefree and spontaneous. 

Then kids happened! 

One particular Valentine’s Day comes to mind as I reflect over the number of dates I’ve shared with my husband. My mother-in-law had to cancel last minute due to coming down with a cold and so she was unable to watch our two sweet little angels while we went out for dinner.  I was so sad to have to cancel our plans.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so I craved social outings and adult conversations.  My husband sensed this was important to me and encouraged us to keep our plans.  Let’s just bring the kids with us!  Great idea!  They were about 2 and 5.  Have you tried going out to a nice restaurant with young kids?  Well, we had not. 

So, the evening went pretty much how you could presume with two young kids.  We were seated at a lovely, white-linen adorned table in the middle of the restaurant.  Just the perfect spot for everyone to take in our children’s glorious tantrums.  Our girls lasted maybe 10 minutes before they made the place their own playground.  Our attempts to wrangle them back into their seats only escalated the situation from total excitement to total meltdown.   

Needless to say, we rushed through our meals, feeling stressed and embarrassed, and exited as quickly as we could.  The night felt like a complete failure. 

Of course it wasn’t a failure but simply a learning experience. I learned something about that night.  I realized I had the expectation that Valentine’s Day was to be celebrated the same way it had always been celebrated. And when it didn’t work out, I was met with disappointment.  I had to adjust to my life as it was changing and accept that for the time being the way I knew to spend this day was going to be different.  And so we learned to be more creative in celebrating any special holiday. 

What this holiday means to me now extends from the typical spotlight on my partner. Our Valentine’s Day celebrations have become more family oriented over the years and most often include our daughters.  And thank goodness their table manners have improved! Valentine’s Day does not have to be about fancy dinners and spending it solely with your partner.  It can include other activities with people you find to be valuable in your life - your best friend, a sibling, parent, or your kids . The real meaning of Valentines should be about acknowledging and appreciating all the special people in your life.  

Happy Valentine’s to y’all! 

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.

Where Do You Wish To Meet?

Illustration by Sophia Schultz

Abraham Maslow was a humanistic psychologist who developed a theory describing what motivates individuals and how they move along the lines of getting their needs met.  His concept, Hierarchy of Needs, is most often depicted in a pyramid to delineate each level.  The bottom level, the foundation, represents the most basic necessities for human survival while the highest level demonstrates transcendent desires.  As a person reaches their goals in one level, he or she is able to move on to the next level.  If an individual has yet to satisfy the needs for food and shelter one can assume this person is less likely motivated to fulfill their needs in other levels.

The 5 Stage Model includes:   

  1.    Physiological Needs -  food, shelter, water, clothing

2.    Safety & Security -  health, employment, stability, security of  body

3.    Love & Belonging -  friendships, family, intimacy, connection

4.    Self-Esteem -  confidence, respect from others, achievement

5.    Self-Actualization -  spontaneity, creativity, lack of prejudice, realizing personal potential

While the hierarchy is depicted in an upward trajectory, it is not uncommon for people to fluctuate from one level to the next.  When changes arise such as divorce, death, breakups, or loss of employment individuals can find themselves moving back and forth through the hierarchy.  And when these needs to be loved, to feel safe, to feel confident become threatened, it is human nature to make attempts, even if ineffective, to gain or maintain them.  

In our practice, clients come to us from all different levels.  We do our best to listen to where our clients have been and discover where they wish to be.  Whichever level you find yourself, we will meet you there.