Two Sides to Couples Conflict

As a therapist, I am aware of the many coping strategies, communication tools, and de-escalation tactics that I have at my disposal to help me through times of conflict with my partner.  However, I haven’t always known how to deal with relationship problems.  And even with all my training and my years of practicing these tools, I can easily fall prey to unconstructive old habits. 

During a particular disagreement with my husband, I knew very well just what to say to really annoy him.  Most of the time, I acknowledge and am aware of what hurtful, punch-to-the gut thing I can say to really get to him.  But I also understand I will probably not get the response I want so I refrain from saying that annoying thing. 

However, this time I plowed through and said “F” it I’m going for it!  My feelings got the best of me. 

Being the sweet husband he is, I watched as he took in a deep breath and instead of one-upping me, he responded with acknowledgment of my hurt.  After further discussing our issue, I confessed to him that I was fully aware of my intent to hurt him back. I apologized.

How did I get away with this bad behavior?  John Gottman, couples researcher and clinician, proposes a 5:1 ratio is key in maintaining homeostasis in a relationship.  For every one negative interaction, we need five positive interactions to keep us feeling balanced in a relationship.  More often than not, we need to be good to each other.  This allowed me to have my moment, not a fabulous moment, but nonetheless, a human one.    

The other thing I did was acknowledge my behavior and apologize shortly after I was able to cool down.  Making repairs is so important!  And even though I was the hurt partner, I still played a role in how our conflict would emerge and come to a resolution.  He made his repair and so did I. 

You can protect your relationship by making sure you’re engaging with your partner in positive ways most of the time. We can never get away from conflict altogether, but we can make decisions to be more cognizant in the ways we contribute to conflict and being proactive to maintain a trusting and loving relationship.

Where Do You Wish To Meet?

Illustration by Sophia Schultz

Abraham Maslow was a humanistic psychologist who developed a theory describing what motivates individuals and how they move along the lines of getting their needs met.  His concept, Hierarchy of Needs, is most often depicted in a pyramid to delineate each level.  The bottom level, the foundation, represents the most basic necessities for human survival while the highest level demonstrates transcendent desires.  As a person reaches their goals in one level, he or she is able to move on to the next level.  If an individual has yet to satisfy the needs for food and shelter one can assume this person is less likely motivated to fulfill their needs in other levels.

The 5 Stage Model includes:   

  1.    Physiological Needs -  food, shelter, water, clothing

2.    Safety & Security -  health, employment, stability, security of  body

3.    Love & Belonging -  friendships, family, intimacy, connection

4.    Self-Esteem -  confidence, respect from others, achievement

5.    Self-Actualization -  spontaneity, creativity, lack of prejudice, realizing personal potential

While the hierarchy is depicted in an upward trajectory, it is not uncommon for people to fluctuate from one level to the next.  When changes arise such as divorce, death, breakups, or loss of employment individuals can find themselves moving back and forth through the hierarchy.  And when these needs to be loved, to feel safe, to feel confident become threatened, it is human nature to make attempts, even if ineffective, to gain or maintain them.  

In our practice, clients come to us from all different levels.  We do our best to listen to where our clients have been and discover where they wish to be.  Whichever level you find yourself, we will meet you there.   

The Continuum of Addiction and When to Reach Out For Help

A lot of people have a difficult time truly understanding addiction and alcoholism and why some people become addicted to drugs and alcohol.  While there are some differences between the two, this article uses terms addiction and alcoholism interchangeably.  A lot of times you’ll hear people say things like, “Why don’t they just stop?” or “They said they want to stop so how come they just don’t?”  A lot of times people mistakenly think that it’s due to a lack in willpower, and that it is just a matter of choice.  Unfortunately, sometimes it is just not that easy and not that black and white. Drugs and alcohol can change the brain in ways that makes quitting drugs a lot harder than someone who drinks or uses recreationally.  Addiction is a very complicated disease that requires interventions beyond willpower.  Back in the 1950s, the American Medical Association classified alcoholism as a disease. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that has the potential to have devastating effects. While at the beginning of drug or alcohol use choosing to say no might be easy, to others further into the cycle it is not that easy.

 According to research, there are several stages in the continuum of addiction.  These stages are: abstinence, experimentation, abuse, dependence, addiction, and death. Here’s a quick explanation of the different stages:

Abstinence: The first stage in the progressive model of addiction is just simply not using at all. This is the time period prior to any type of use whatsoever.

Experimentation: This is the first time that people use and usually has to do with curiosity in social settings and is amplified with peer pressure. While some use because they are curious and for social reasons, others might use as a way of acting out.  Another potential reason is due to emotional problems, such as problems dealing with grief and loss or feeling lonely.   More often than not, the ones that use for the emotional reasons have a higher likelihood of progressing in this cycle.

Abuse: Substance abuse is simply the continued use despite negative consequences. These consequences can be a failure in fulfilling major role obligations at work, school, or home. It can also be continued use despite legal problems, despite persistent and recurrent social or interpersonal problems.

Dependence: A big shift happens in this stage and this is most notably defined with the onset of increased tolerance and withdrawals. The want becomes a need. Tolerance can be defined as the fact that it takes more and more to get the same effect.  For instance, 2 drinks to get a buzz now takes 4 drinks.  Tolerance can also be defined as a diminished effect.   The diminished effect can be that no matter how much the person uses they are no longer able to get the same desired effect. Withdrawals can be physiological and psychological. The withdrawal symptoms vary depending on the substance and as a general rule of thumb whatever effect a substance has going into the body will have the exact opposite effect going out of the body. 

Addiction:  This is when the substance takes priority. It is when the substance causes people to do things that they otherwise would not have ever done. Just because someone is “highly functioning” doesn’t mean that they cannot have a problem. Chronic drug use leads to individuals having a clouded perspective that shifts what is actually reality.  There's a good chance the “highly functioning” is not the work output the person would be doing if they were on their “A game”.

Death:  Unfortunately, addiction can lead to death and can have an extreme impact on individuals, families, and society as well. Whether it is from an accidental overdose, liver failure, heart attacks or other major health problems caused by chronic drug or alcohol use, thousands of people die every year from the fatal disease of addiction.

Here are some signs and symptoms that indicate a need to reach out for help:

• You cannot stop using the substance.

• Your drug or alcohol use has led to unsafe behavior and become impulsive.

• You are having withdrawal symptoms.

• You need the substance in order to function.

• Someone that cares about you or even a physician tells you that you should stop.

• Lying

• Spending too much money on your substance

• Problems at school or work

• Health problems

• Decreased hygiene

• Changes in behavior

• Continued use despite a desire to stop.

If you or a loved one is struggling, then I highly encourage you to reach out for help. Chances are if you are questioning whether or not you should reach out, then you should.  The severity of the presenting issues will dictate the type of substance abuse treatment that is needed. Treatment options range from inpatient treatment in a residential setting to outpatient therapy. The bottom line is that if it is causing problems in your life, I would highly encourage you to reach out to someone for help.  It all starts with a phone call and putting the right team in place to help you on your journey. When one door closes another one opens.

Rane Wallace, MS, LPC, LCDC has a huge passion for helping those still struggling with addiction and their families as well. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor. He has worked in the field of addiction for over 10 years and is the Owner at Fort Wellness, PLLC, an Associate at LifeSquared Counseling & Consulting, and a Counselor III for the Tarrant County Community Supervision & Corrections Department. www.fortwellness.com

What is the ratio in your relationship?

Can you remember the last time your partner made a positive comment about you? Or do you feel regularly criticized by your partner instead?  When negative interactions outweigh the positive ones in your relationship it may be hard to even recall the positive qualities in your partner. Although there are no quick fixes to ensure you will live a fairy tale relationship with only positive interactions with your partner, there is a strategy I will discuss in this post that can lead to a happier, more stable and connected relationship. 

Dr. John Gottman, researcher and clinical psychologist, has studied couples for many years to find out what makes marriages successful or end in divorce. He found that expressing fondness, encouragement, and admiration toward one another could go a long way in maintaining a strong marital relationship. This may seem obvious, but in addition he found that happy and stable couples share more positive feelings and actions than negatives ones even when facing conflict. Happy and stable couples may continue to experience some negative interactions, yet the key is in the balance. According to Gottman, the magic ratio is 5 to 1. This means that for every 1 negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be 5 positive feelings or interactions. 

So if you feel that your relationship is not practicing the magic ratio, here are some things to help you start increasing positive feelings or interactions. 

Show Affection

• Hold hands, hug, kiss
• Offer a back rub or foot rub
• Sit together while watching TV
• Say “I love you” 

Show care and concern

• Buy your partner his or her favorite dessert while out on an errand
• Write a short email, send a card, or a thoughtful text message to your partner
• Write a note of encouragement 
• Let your partner know it matters to you when they are concerned
  • Example: “it sounds like you had a really rough day at work today.” 

Show thankfulness

• Recall and share with your partner ways that they have been helpful or caring
• Thank him or her for what he or she does for you
• Compliment your partner
• Point out positive qualities you genuinely appreciate and admire

Listen to understand

• Be aware of your verbal and non verbal expressions when listening to your partner
  • Example: nodding your head and maintaining eye contact
• Tell your partner how you understand his or her perspective
• Listen carefully and completely to your partner before commenting
• Avoid providing advice too quickly, listen completely first

Be respectful

• Acknowledge your partner’s opinion and let them know you think it is important
• Avoid name calling or being sarcastic towards your partner’s comments
• Be open minded with your partner even when you do not agree

Lighten up!

• Be playful 
• Engage in activities in where you both can laugh 
• Joke around with each other, but avoid jokes that are sarcastic or hostile towards your partner
• Share memories with your partner about when you first met
• Share your feelings with your partner when you feel good or happy, especially when they have been brought up by your partner

Aim for the magic ratio and watch your relationship blossom! 

What's Really Up with Herbal Viagra!

I’m sure you’ve all read about, or at least have heard about, the big sex scandal that is surrounding Lamar Odom.  Before we begin, let’s do a little recap.  Mr. Odom had a four-day stay at a legal brothel in Nevada where it was reported that he had been mixing alcohol, cocaine, and herbal Viagra pills.  On the fourth day there, Mr. Odom was found unconscious in his bed.  In a few of the articles I have read, the brothel owner stated that Mr. Odom had taken about 10 of the herbal Viagra pills within his four-day stay there.  This trending story has inspired me to write this blog for you guys on the benefits, as well as the health concerns that come with taking any herbal Viagra supplement. 

There are numerous pills out there that are labeled as male sexual enhancement pills, all which are not FDA approved.  The main reason why the FDA does not approve these is because they contain an ingredient, which is not listed on the package, called sildenafil, or more commonly known as Viagra.  Sildenafil is never listed on the packages because one has to have a prescription from a doctor in order to obtain Viagra; whereas anyone can simply buy an herbal Viagra pill from a gas station or their nearest sex shop. 

Lets start with the good news, the advantages to taking an over the counter Viagra.  Due to the main ingredient being sildenafil, it will work just like Viagra does.  These pills will help increase blood flow to the penis, resulting in a stronger, firmer erection.  These pills will also increase the girth size of the penis, again, because the blood vessels running along the shaft are dilating, allowing more blood to flow through.  These pills are also known to help increase a man’s stamina; therefore he will be able to last longer than he normally does.  Also, after the man ejaculates, these pills will help him regain another erection in less time than it usually takes.  

Now on to the bad news…these pills do come with some health and safety concerns.  All of these pills are vasodilators, meaning they help the blood vessels expand, which in turn lowers a man’s blood pressure.  Most of these pills come with a warning on the back stating that the user should talk to their doctor about taking the pill prior to using them; especially men who are already dealing with high blood pressure, have heart problems, and/or have diabetes.  Mixing any other medication, especially pertaining to these health concerns, can be very dangerous, if not fatal.  Most of the pill packages even advise not to take more than one pill within a 72hour period—which Mr. Odom exceeded.  

All in all, I hope the Lamar Odom scandal didn’t scare anyone away from trying any of the over the counter herbal Viagra pills.  I do, however, hope that it has shed some light onto the risks and consequences that can result from not paying attention to the warning labels and not talking to your doctor first.  These pills can, after all, help boost a man’s confidence and liven up your sex life!

Coping Skills With Our 5 Senses

Coping Skills are those strategies that we use to deal and process life stressors, conflict and emotions. Coping skills can range from positive and healthy to negative and unhealthy, all depending on how they are used. Do your current coping skills help you overcome and manage stress and emotional turmoil? Or do they hide issues and emotions that are usually not worked through? Using healthy coping strategies on a regular basis will help provide balance in your overall mental health and provide support when life gets harder. If you already use coping skills on a regular basis, congratulations, keep adding and refreshing more skills to your coping spectrum!

Being in the mental health profession, I have been able to observe coping skills that have been effective for many of my clients. Provided below are some of these coping skills that I have either utilized myself or seen to be helpful for others. Read the ideas below and explore what unique combination of coping skills could help you today!
 
Physical
• Chew a piece of ice or eat some ice cream or drink cold water
• Breathe! Take 5 deep breaths: think about releasing tension and negative thoughts each time you exhale.
• Move Around: stretch, take a walk, exercise
• Take a shower, feel the warmth and imagine your anxiety washing away
• Hug a friend or a family member

Visual
• Watch your favorite movie or comedy show
• Allow yourself to daydream for 10 minutes
• Look at pretty things: flowers, art, or study the sky
• Paint, draw or doodle
• Look through old pictures
 
Olfactory
• Peel an orange or lemon and notice the smell of the oils
• Place a fragrance that is pleasant for you on your wrist: lavender, peppermint of favorite perfume
• Do some baking-enjoy the mixture of aromas and soothing movements of mixing ingredients
• Make herbal tea and focus on the smell while you enjoy your drink
 
Hearing
• Listen to music that helps soothe you
• Read a quote or favorite scripture out loud
• Sing
• Pause and listen to 3 sounds you hear around you (Ie..rain drops, wind, laughter)
 
Speech
• Have a conversation with someone who listens and you can trust
• Name 5 positive things in your life
• Write yourself an “I love you because…” letter
• Make a to-do list: focus on top 3 to decrease feeling overwhelmed
 

Surviving the Damages from an Affair

What exactly is an affair?  Many people have different definitions for this word.  Some people believe an affair is having a sexual relationship with someone outside of the relationship, others believe becoming emotionally attached to someone else is considered having an affair, while some believe the act of watching pornography could be considered an affair.  This is why it is so important to communicate individual expectations with your partner in where healthy boundaries and limits can be established in order to protect your relationship.  

If an affair within the relationship does occur, it can be very detrimental to the relationship, as well as to the non-offending partner.  However, just because damage has been done, does not mean it cannot be repaired!  It won’t happen overnight, but with the guidance and support of a skilled professional, it can be done.

You may be asking yourself, “How?”  A licensed therapist will be able to help the couple identify the underlying contributions to the affair.  The shared responsibility of these contributions may not be equal; however, addressing each partner’s role in the relationship could provide clues on issues that weakened the relationship prior to the affair.  This can help the couple prevent these circumstances in the future.  A therapist will also help the couple with improving their communication patterns.  They will learn how to “communicate more sensitively, how to listen with more respect, how to talk about sensitive issues without anger or criticism, and how to offer more positivity…” (Heitler, 2011).  The most difficult aspects of surviving the affair are forgiveness and trust.  Be prepared for the long haul while repairing these pieces.  It can, however, be done while working with a therapist through the anger, pain, and fears. 

Once the communication gate is open and flowing, and the partners have repaired trust, it may be time to explore restoring the couple’s intimacy.  In the beginning, sexual intimacy may be compared to the intimacy that occurred during the affair.  The therapist can help the couple come back together in order to achieve more enjoyable and pleasurable intimacy that may have been missing or lacking previously.  

With all of this being said, in order for the couple to survive this rainstorm, both partners have to be willing to repair the damages together.  This can all be done with the support and help from a professional therapist.  Some couples even report developing an even stronger and more intimate relationship after surviving the affair!

References:

Bloom, Charlie & Bloom, Linda. (2010, May 10). Is there (marital) life after an affair? [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201005/is-there-marital-life-after-affair

Heitler, Susan. (2011, Nov 1). Recovery from an affair. [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair

McCarthy, Barry W. (2012, Jan 2). Sexual recovery from an extramarital affair. [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201201/sexual-recovery-extramarital-affair

Pre-engagement vs Pre-marital counseling? What's the difference as long as you go?

At first the comparison of Pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling can seem so similar and unimportant. Yet considering the differences, pre-engagement counseling may provide many dating couples additional benefits to the relationship and confidence in making a lifelong commitment!

Here are a few IMPORTANT factors to consider in regards to pre-engagement counseling:

      Engagement/ Pressure: Proposals, shinny new engagement ring, and the excitement of telling everyone the great news, can really compromise the objectivity of the relationship. The priority of working on the relationship may easily turn into planning the wedding day instead of working on and finding a resolution to the conflict that may be remaining within the relationship.

        Time Constraint: Couples seeking pre-engagement counseling do not have the same time crunch as couples that have already set the wedding date. Pre-engagement counseling can allow dating couples to openly share fears and hopes in sessions without worrying about how emotions will interfere with the couple’s timeline. In some cases, couples may need more than 8 sessions to resolve or practice new skills they are learning. Rather than couples that have a short engagement, which may not have sufficient time or desire to address issues prior to the wedding.

      Confidence in your Decision: Attending pre-engagement counseling can provide both the couple and each individual the time and place to explore such an important decision with a trained professional. A couple can also benefit from expressing their thoughts and feelings to a professional who is trained in marriage and relational issues and will remain an unbiased third party. It is important to consider the motivation and readiness each person has to make such a commitment. By taking the time to explore your relationship in counseling, individuals can discuss expectations for the marriage and find a compromise if necessary prior to making the commitment.

So whether you are currently in a serious relationship or questioning if you and your partner are ready for marriage, please consider pre-engagement counseling! Pre-engagement counseling may seem as an unromantic plan or unnecessary, yet with staggering divorce rates this is just another way to invest in your relationship!

Hey! I'm Grace!

My name is Grace, and I am thrilled to be a therapist at Reconnecting Relationships Therapy. 

I would like to share with you a little of my background and experiences that has brought me to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. To be completely honest I would have not started the path to become a therapist if were not for other therapists that touched my life. They believed in my potential and dedicated their time to strengthen my God-given qualities. Getting to know other therapists in my life made me realize they all genuinely respected me as an individual, and were rooting for my success. Today, I apply that valuable lesson with every client that I get to work with. No matter my client’s background, faith, culture or past/current hardships, they deserve my respect and support to reach their personal goals! 

My approach in therapy is to empower my clients by using their natural strengths and introducing additional skills to overcome various life struggles. I do this by using a family systems model that encourages healthy communication, respect, clear boundaries, and flexibility to develop healthy relationships with self and others. 

I’ve been married for three years and do not have children. However, I do have a Papillion named Simba that I completely adore! My favorite things to do are spending time with family and friends and traveling. I have found a passion in traveling to new countries as I come to learn and experience new cultures and different ways of living life. 

Thank you for taking the time to know me on a more personal level. If you have not had an opportunity to read the self-introductions of the other therapists at RRT, I encourage you to do so. 

Please keep coming back to our blog!  We plan to continue sharing a variety of resources that encourage self-growth and positive relationships. 

Getting to Know Jenifer!

Hello!!  I just want to take a minute and introduce myself to all of you and share a little bit of my history and background.  I thought I’d start off by sharing with you why I chose to become a Marriage and Family Therapist! 

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents always told me I would be a therapist when I grew up.  I was that kid that wanted to know, “why”…why people felt the way they did and if they were sad I wanted to cheer them up.  Even going through middle school and high school, I was the friend everyone would turn to when they needed to talk to someone, or they just needed to vent.  Now, I am still that little girl who wants to know “why” and that friend who everyone turns to.  This is what fuels my passion for my clients today.  I chose to focus my therapeutic attention on marriage, mostly, because going into graduate school I knew I wanted to pursue a specialization in sex therapy.  

For the past 6 years I have been employed by an adult novelty store where I have gained a vast knowledge of sexual awareness and sex education.  Thanks to customers who have been open and felt like they could talk to me, it has in turn opened my mind up to the more sensual and private endeavors in a couples’ relationship.  Working at my store, I feel, has prepared me for this field and has allowed me to help my clients in a more personal and private way, more than sitting in a classroom could have.  

On a more personal note, I am not married, nor do I have any children.  I do, however, have two VERY spoiled cats that I absolutely adore!  I really enjoy reading—my favorites are mysteries and romance.  Another favorite thing of mine is spending time with my closest friends; just eating sushi and sharing stories! 

I hope that by sharing a little piece of me has allowed you to see me on a more personal level, as more of an equal.  We all experience life in very different ways, but, nonetheless, we all experience times of hardships and happiness.